Things I have learned

There is an overwhelming number of Americans who do NOT know their own address.



Never trust a driver who waves to you to let you know it's clear to make a turn.



You should ALWAYS lock the door when in a single public bathroom.



Some people feel better just by making you feel bad.



The 'tough' guys are usually the softies.



Facebook is ridiculous yet addicting.



Sometimes you are better off just agreeing to disagree.



Old men are very flirtatious.



Never light a match near a head full of hairspray.



If you smell something burning, trust your instincts.

Nice Rack!

I am reposting this from 2 years ago because I think it's funny and nobody was reading back then.

Several years ago, my boyfriend at the time,Bob and I went to Hershey Park for the 4th of July. We stayed at the Hershey Hotel  and spent the weekend there.

Saturday afternoon, we went to Hershey's Garden. It was full of vibrant flowers and trees and had an incredible Butterfly house that my mother would adore. After walking around the garden we went to the gift shop. We parted ways and were looking around. I stopped at one of those revolving racks that you spin around. It contained postcards. I picked up a few and proceeded on my quest for items I had absolutely no use for.

A few minutes later, I feel something snag on my jacket ( it was July but it was damp and I am always cold). I turned my head just a little and saw the revolving rack I was just at a few minutes before. I stopped dead in my tracks. I could feel it moving so I reached back and grabbed it with my hand. The moving stopped. I am standing there, completely still with my hand on the 'rack' knowing that if I made the slightest move that thing was going down.

Bob comes over looks at me and says ' WHAT ARE YOU DOING'? I laughed, and said "Help it's going to fall over if I move- unsnag me." He looks , laughs, shakes his head and says ' Erica look behind you and let go'. I turn around and I am not holding onto the rack, I am holding onto a small child (one who never said a word that a stranger had a death grip on him!). He must have thought I was his mother and came up and tugged on my jacket and I just grabbed ( obviously unaware of what the hell I was doing.)

His mother comes up at that point and looks at me ( we are pretty much pissing ourselves at this point and my face was a ridiculous shade of red). I simply say "I'm so sorry I thought he was a rack" , dropped my stuff and out the door we went.

Somebody farted!

Farts are funny. I have no idea why but they are . Everyone farts and those who say they don't are lying. When you hear someone fart it is almost always funny...until it starts to smell.

I sat down to write something and wasn't sure what to write. My nephew came in the room to get a movie and I heard a little poof. I said " Was that a fart?" he said "Yep!" I laughed and here we are. He used to run over to me and say "I have a present for you!" then sit on me and fart. It was funny. He isn't so little anymore.. that phase has 'passed'.

I looked up the definition to see what it really means. My definition is' smelly air'. The real definition is 'a flatus expelled by the anus'. See even the definition is funny.

I remember being a little kid and going to Friendly's with my mom and my aunt. We were in a booth with 'leatherish' hard seats. I farted.. the whole place heard it because we all know if you fart on a hard chair it echoes all the way to Alaska. I laughed and laughed and laughed (and just laughed again remembering it). I also embarrassed the hell out of them. That's what kids are for!

There are rare times that farts are NOT funny. An example is as follows:

I went to a work dinner. It was for the winner of a big contest that was held and if I remember correctly the top 5 people ( along with a guest) took a limo to New York for dinner with some members of management. We went to dinner had a great time and then got in the limo to come home. As SOON as we left the restaurant I felt sick. Really sick. I started sweating and felt like complete hell. I was trying to downplay it because I knew I was going to be in the limo for about an hour and half withmanagement, co-workers and spouses who I had just met. It was late, everyone had been drinking and the noise in the limo was much quieter than it had been on the way there. I started coughing really hard. Did you ever cough really hard and fart? Well I did. Thank GOD that I was already flushed because I felt sick but I knew that my face was redder than a Irishman who forgot his sunblock. Everyone stopped talking and just looked at me... I ignored it. I swear those few minutes where everyone wanted so hard to laugh and were looking at each other like 'omg she sooo just farted' were the longest minutes of my life. I acted like it wasn't me. UMMMM when you cough fart .. people know. No one ever said anything to me but I know and I know they know. I just hope that they have forgotten. Doubt it... it's a fart story. Everyone remembers fart stories.

I woke up with a severe case of bronchitis and a very bruised ego.

Joy Ride

When I was 16, I could NOT wait to get my driver's license. I was born in July so all of my friends were older and had their licenses before me. When I got my permit, my father took me to school parking lots and side roads to teach me to drive. I remember ( very vividly) driving down a side street by my house and freaking out because I swore I was going to hit all of the cars parked on the street. My dad told me repeatedly that I was nowhere near them and I was fine. He was right but when you don't know how to drive you seem to think that a car that is 6 feet away is in danger of getting struck by a paranoid 16 year old who is a bit of a klutz.

Somewhere between 'fear of parked cars' and 'I hate my teenagehood because I am the only one of my friends who can't drive', I decided one day that I was a superhero. No one was home and my older sister's cool red Firebird was in the driveway and the keys were in the house. So what any teenage girl ( who never really got in any trouble or did anything bad..for real) would do would be to the grab the keys, put on my superhero cape ( not really) and go for a ride around the block. So still permitless and a parked car fearing girl, I got in the car and went for a ride. A ride around the block somehow led out to a main road. I did fine. Well, I did fine until I was making a left turn ( about 2 minutes from home) and a big , long guardrail jumped out into the middle of the road in a fierce rage and slammed into the car. I did what any superhero would do. I shit myself (again, not really but close) drove home and let out a HUGE sigh of relief that there was still no one home.

I started to pull in the driveway and I couldn't get the car to go in. Every time I tried the car was going on the grass. I couldn't figure out how to pull straight in. I can drive on main roads now, with MOVING cars ( which were much less scary than those parked ones), I can break free from evil demonic guardrails but I can not get the car in the damn driveway. I am now freaking out because I am soooo screwed. I called my friend, we will call her Chrissy ( because that's her name) and told her little ' licensed' self to get over to my house right away because I had an emergency. She lived about 10 minutes away by car so now I am sitting there worrying that I am still going to get caught because the car is NOT where it was left and guardrails' venom has left it's mark on the poor shiny red Firebird. She got there , she got the car in the driveway and no one EVER knew.

Somehow no one noticed right away and when my sister did notice she thought it happened somewhere else. No one would have ever thought I would have done it because I was a good girl :) What amazes me is that I didn't tell on myself. I was a good kid, not perfect but I wasn't out of control . I played by most of the rules. I got away with it!!!

I did tell them years later that I did it ...but I don't think the damage to the car was as bad as my memory thinks because while I got the "OMG you did?" it wasn't that big a deal and I haven't heard about it everyday of my life since then. Although, I never brought it up again either. It was fun being a superhero for a day.. but next time it will be for different reasons!

It isn't just a restroom anymore

I have realized over the years that public restrooms serve many purposes. It isn't just to go to the bathroom anymore! Whether it be in a restaurant or work or wherever you are you can learn alot in the ladies room.

One that has really baffled me is when people use it to nap. Some restrooms have a sofa in there so I guess it's supposed to serve a purpose. But the term 'restroom' is not to be used literally. I always thought the purpose would be that since women go there in pairs, the one who was waiting would be more comfortable. However, it seems that it a place to nap. I have seen people in there sound asleep. Not sure that a place with several toilets constantly flushing and causing poo germs to fly around would be the place I would choose to nap and inhale that.. maybe it's just me.

People also find it a great place to have a conversation on the phone. Ok, people you talk and pee. Guess what?? That person can hear you. Yes they hear you peeing , they hear all the toilets flushing.. they know! Some of these conversations aren't with just anyone. I have heard people talking to lawyers, trying to see if their silver or gold is worth anything, making appointments for oil changes.. all while peeing. That's class!!!

You can also get the dirt on what's going on in people's lives. While I don't consider myself a nosy person, it can be an entertaining twist to a rather dull daily regular routine. I was recently in a stall and there was a girl in there going to the bathroom 2 stalls down. She was peeing..I could hear. She was on the phone crying her eyes out ( I had no idea who this person was) talking about how he could do that and how upset she is and how he doesn't understand.blah blah blah. Just as I thought I was going to get a better idea of what she was talking about , someone flushed. SERIOUSLY? You seriously flushed??? You couldn't wait 30 more seconds until we knew what "he' did??? Because I know you were listening too!! The only excuse that will be ok is if you really needed to flush to spare us all any kind of odor that you may have just produced. I didn't hear any odor producing noise... So if you are out there reading this, learn you proper ladies room manners!!!

If you build it....

I have been back and forth about this blog. Seems I have people looking at the page but no one is commenting. I am guessing this is a 'we will see if anyone else comments first' thing. I have a few blogs that I read rather regularly. Of course, my access during the day is limited to what I can access.

I came across the blog poopandboogies.blogspot.com 3 years ago. A friend of mine was reading a different blog, which linked to his blog. He noticed that he lived in the town I do and forwarded it to me just because it peeked his interest. I liked it right away. Who wouldn't like something named poop and boogies??? I read it regularly and I very rarely comment. You would think I would because I want people to comment on mine. Anyway, I did see him once at Chuck E. Cheese and probably creeped him out that I recognized him.. but it is what it is. I enjoy his blog . It's funny and clever and I 'get' the humor of it. After you read mine.. check it out, you will like what you see!

I keep saying I am going to get my blog moving along and don't follow through. I am determined now. I am going to build it... so they will come!!

What kind of drunk are you?

I'm a social drinker. I do not drink at home if I am alone. My mental picture of doing this ages me 50 years as sad and lonely with 4,000 cats and a bottle of whiskey hanging from my arm while I am laying on a recliner covered in fur). I find that depressing.

I drink when I am out. Period. I do not like the 'feeling ' of being drunk. Buzzed.. I can do .. drunk not so much. You know when you get to the point where if you take one more sip.. you will be dancing on the bar lifting your shirt because you suddenly believe that your muffin top is incredibly sexy. I avoid getting to that point. I have learned that there are different levels of "feeling good". Here is how I see the different levels of drinking.

The Yawner: The yawner is the one that didn't really want to go out in the first place. They do not drink. They are bored by the whole thing and just want to go home. The yawner is annoying. If the yawner is claiming that they came out because they didn't want to get shit for staying home.. guess what??? We would have rather you have done that than sit there and mope all night. You will not be missed next time around. Just sayin....

The Pretender: The pretender wants desperately to be cool. They don't really drink much by nature but want to fit in so bad that they pretend. They will get a real drink, make it a point to let you know exactly what they are drinking ( usually rum and coke) then order a soda and say that they are still drinking rum and coke. Here's the deal Pretender: once you have had 7 "rum and cokes" and haven't gotten all stupid- the gig is up. If you don't want to drink alot then good for you. But if drinking ain't your thing,why the hell do you want to hang around a bunch of drunk people? The pretender needs to seek counseling or try going to Starbucks.

The Handler: The handler knows what they are doing. They know how to have a good time and they know how much they can handle. The handler can sometimes drink all night without batting an eye or can have just a few and start to feel it. They can get a good buzz but know how to act. The handler is good to have around so they can pay attention to all of the others listed here. They are not only a good time but do not end up the topic of everyone's conversation the following day for making a complete ass of themselves. Downside to being a handler: they end up being responsible for all of the idiots they are with at the time.

The Sneaker: The sneaker is not a shoe that drinks. The sneaker is the one that everyone tends to dread hanging around because they end up carrying them out of the bar, picking them up off the floor or cleaning up their chunky puke. The sneaker pretends that they have it all under control. They say they are going to the bathroom and come back drunk. Not only are they drunk they pretend they are not. To the Sneaker: there is a word for sneaking away to take shots without no one seeing you so they don't think you are being excessive . The word is alcoholism. Seek help. There are plenty of places out there to help you..google it.

The Am Ex: you never leave home without the Am Ex. They are the ones that you always want with you when going out. They drink, usually to excess but lack the sneakers need to be constantly watched over. They are funny, a little loud and will always be sure that there are drinks on the bar. They are secure with drinking openly as they don't do it often and enjoy the chance to get away from the kids if even for just a few hours. The Am Ex is the life of the party.

The Zit: the last one is the Zit. Aptly named because you usually know they are coming, they tend to irritate you and you can't wait for them to go away. The Zit starts out fun. Then they drink to excess and become loud and annoying ESPECIALLY to the Yawner and the Handler. They do not know when to shut the hell up, can become extremely obnoxious and like to share their 'feelings' with anyone who will listen. The Zit tries to get everyone to drink, whether they want to or not and do not know when stop. The Zit thinks they are making friends with everyone and has no idea that everyone in the bar is talking about them. Many people want to 'pop' the Zit throughout the night. Do not confuse the Zit with the Am Ex. There is no gray area between the two.

Which one are you?