The Proof is in the Pooping

When I was in high school I worked at Clover. If you have never heard of it, it was like today's Target. I worked in the snack bar. My responsibilities were making sure the wieners were on the rolly thing cooking, cutting onions, making burgers, scooping ice cream and pouring sodas and icees. It was a glamorous job. I smelled like a hoagie all of the time.

I started noticing that my poop was neon green. I wasn't sure why but it didn't go away. I went to the doctor. The obvious answer was that an alien invaded my body resulting in a neon green secretion from my ass. Here is how the conversation went.

Dr.: "What the fuck are you doing here?" I loved his demeanor.
Me: "My poop is neon green."
Dr.: "Why?"
Me: "If I knew I wouldn't be here."
Dr.: " Are you eating anything different?"
Me: "Nope."
Dr.: "What are you drinking?"
Me: "Water, Diet Coke, Icees."
Dr." What kind of Icees?"
Me: " Blue Raspberry, The red makes a mess of my face."
Dr."That is why your shit is green."
Me.: "Oh."
Dr: " You can stop drinking them or stop looking at your shit."
Me: " I will stop looking at my shit."

Never said I was a rocket scientist.

It's what's INSIDE that counts!

My allergies have been kicking my ass for the past week. I have been blowing my nose every 5 minutes. I actually ran out of tissues at work and had to resort to paper towels. It's almost like using sandpaper to wipe your ass. It hurts. My nose is very sore. My sister (who lives with me) texted me to see if we needed anything for the house since she was out shopping. My response " tissues tissues tissues ". The supply was running low.

I come home and she says (all proud of herself) " I got you your OWN box of tissues for your bedroom. They are purple!" Assuming she got them because purple is my favorite color I said " Thank you!"

A little later , my mom came over and we were watching a movie. She comes in the room and says something about getting me the purple tissues. She said she got them to match my room!!! We both looked at her like she had 5 heads. Then it clicked to her. My bedroom is gold and red (the living room is purple.. well eggplantish).

It's the thought that counts (and the fact that inside the pretty purple box are soft and fluffy tissues). My nose feels better already.

Easy come... easy go

so the diet has been going on for two weeks now. I weighed on Friday and was down a total of 4.5 lbs . I am going to say that it is safe to assume that the beers and buffalo chicken dip and chips I ate on Saturday along with the 5000 crackers and cheese spread and trail mix and wine and piece of boston cream pie I ate on Sunday is probably not going to be good for my weigh in in Friday... just sayin.

It's me time!

It seems the world is full of people who want something from you. The more you do the more they want. Yet, they don't seem to want to do anything in return. As crappy as this may sound, I am tired of making sure everyone is taken care of and things go their way. It's my turn. If you can't hold your end of the bargain, then there is no bargain!

God Bless the U.S.A!

written by Erica Gordon

I am a Royal dork

So this morning I woke up about 15 minutes before I needed to be up. I didn't plan it, it just happened. My timing was perfect because  I turned on the T.V. just as Kate was about to get into the car to head to the church. I got to see the procession and I also got to see the vows. I then showered and went to work.

Fortunately, the T.Vs had some coverage on for a bit.  I was counting down to the Royal Kiss ( along with the rest of the world that was watching).  I was soooo disappointed at the little peck. Seriously?  The whole world is waiting for this magical moment and you kiss like you are cousins? Thankfully, they kissed again.  The second one was a little longer. That's what the first one should have been. It was romantic. But the moment was ruined (at least for me) because the first one was not what I expected.

Aside from that. I thought she looked beautiful and her dress was absolutely gorgeous.  When I marry my prince, I will be sure to make the balcony kiss special. Now I am off for a spot of tea.

Cheerio

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels...

Whoever came up with that statement is full of shit. They apparently never ate a big hunk of cake....BUT..

Two  of my aunts, my mom and I have decided to go on a diet.  We discussed this on Easter.  Summer is almost here and the blubber is out of control, at least for me.  My mirror fogs up in disgust when I get dressed.  Anyway,  I weighed myself yesterday and was unpleasantly surprised at what the scale said. I am going to take this one day at a time.  I have my niece's communion on Saturday and I know I will be drinking and eating and that's ok but I have to keep going.  I refuse to put on a bathing suit until I lose some weight or I will be mistaken for a whale.

Yesterday  I ate a yogurt for breakfast. I ate a salad for lunch (which was very yummy). I also ate a salad for dinner. Then I ate a macaroon.  The macaroon probably wasn't a good idea but it curbed my sweet tooth. And it was only one.  I can't help it.  I like food, especially the kind that causes blubber like effects.

 So far so good for day two. let's see how this all pans out.