Dude..you stink

I am a smoker (I know I shouldn't smoke but I do so you can save the lectures). I also know that people who smoke can stink. For some reason when you smoke outside in the winter it smells ten times worse than normal. I tried to look up the reason for this before I started posting this however all the links brought me to discussions on why people smell smoke that isn't really there (ummm ok) and talks of people's urine smell. Obviously NOT what I was looking for so I gave up (rather quickly at that).

Anyway, my guess is something to do with the cold air and it clinging to your clothes more (yes I am a rocket scientist). I used to date a guy (many many years ago), we will call him Stinky, who smoked like a chimney. I smoke but I can manage to breathe for a few hours between cigarettes. He smoked constantly. I worked at a retail store with him part-time. On nights that he wasn't working he would frequently come up to see me. He wore a heavy coat. It was of an NFL team that was NOT the Eagles. It was blue and gray and had a big fat star on it. Have you figured this out yet? I remember the coat vividly (which is impressive because I can't even remember his last name).

I always knew when he was there before I even saw him because the stench preceded him. Especially in the winter. I would look around and sure enough he would come around the corner. I really tried not to mention it since I am a smoker and I know that I stink too but I just stink like a cigarette not like a chimney. One day, I sniffed and looked up and there he was. I said " you stink" and he said "thanks". After that, I got progressively more grossed out because I have the nose of a bloodhound. He was more than a little needy and with the smell, he had to go. We broke up, he hated me but I didn't really care because, while he was a nice guy, he smelled and was needy.

I wonder what ever happened to "Stinky".... I would look him up but I can't remember his last name. Gonna go smoke a cigarette now....

The results are in....

As stated in my previous post we went to see the X Factor on Thursday. When I got the tickets (which was one ticket for a party of 4 printed out online) the instructions were very specific. No flip flops, no cameras, absolutely no cell phones, no white shirts, no shirts with logos blah blah blah. So I was sure to relay this information to everyone so that we didn't have one person screw it up for everyone else when we got to the door. We left at 8:30 a.m so we would have enough time to get there and stop for breakfast on the way because the show started at 1:00 p.m sharp and NO food or drink was allowed once inside.

The day first started with our printed out Map Quest directions. These directions SUCKED ASS. They were wrong .. completely wrong. We were a little confused because I also had Mandy (which is the name I have given to my GPS). So as we are driving she is telling us one thing and Map Quest is telling us another. We made the mistake of following Map Quest. We went an hour out of our way and had no idea what to do. So I made a call to a friend of mine (who I am convinced could sit in the passenger seat wearing a blindfold and still direct you on a 10 hour trip without making a mistake). He rerouted us and we ended up right back were we started and we were headed in the right direction. He is also the one who got me the tickets. He rocks. We stopped at a diner for breakfast so we wouldn't starve for the rest of the day since we wouldn't be able to eat once there.

We get there and pay 6 million dollars for parking. We hand in our printed ticket and each receive an actual ticket to get in the door. They check our bags(and I think 'good thing we left our phones in the car!') . We are standing in line to get in and see most people have on flip flops and white shirts. Ok then. They had food stands and a lot of people were eating while waiting in line because once you are in there , there is no food ( have I mentioned that part?). The ticket says the show starts at 2:00pm. (the internet ticket said 1:00).

We get in and sit down (we had great seats) and we see people all over texting, taking pictures and eating(while wearing their flip flops and white shirts). So my sister goes out to the car to get our phones (because not having your phone with you at all times is equivalent to giving away your one functioning kidney.... impossible). THEN the dude walking around with the mic appeasing everyone since the show started 2 hours late comes out and says " Ok everyone we are having a text contest TAKE OUT YOUR CELL PHONES" Umm seriously? Now we already have them at this point but you tell everyone (most of which didn't listen anyway) that no cell phones are allowed then you tell us to take them out for a contest.

So now we have all the rules completely pointless. No eating, no cells, no cameras, no white shirts and no flip flops and the time is wrong. Ok then. Alot of people in there seemed to notice this as well (I guess just the ones who can read). I have never seen a set of rules written so strict that really didn't mean anything at all. I hope these same people are not in charge of any laws.

I will say that the show was great. Simon was really funny.. he only made one rude comment and he spent alot of time rubbing Paula's back and feeding her whatever it was he was also eating (looked like peanuts or something). So nice to see them get along. Although she did call him an idiot several time. It was really cool to see and I thoroughly enjoyed it. They did , however , cut it short because they started so late and had another taping after it. It was totally worth the trip. So look for me on camera in the audience in September (I am the one with the green shirt on :)

X -Factor

So tomorrow I am going to see a taping for auditions for the X-Factor. I am looking forward to it since I am a big fat American Idol dork. Big fat as in....if you even LOOK at me while I am watching I get mad because I can't hear when you are staring at me.

Anyway, they have some serious rules going on there. No flip flops, NO WHITE shirts (I guess because the lights can see right through your shirt- with my boobs that would be quite the show). They want bright spring colors .. the works. The point (they say) is that you will be on camera. Now we are going to WATCH not participate and I know that they show the audiences but I have YET to see an audience shot of someone's foot so I am not sure what the flip flop thing is all about.

I am however hoping that they see me in the audience and beg me to audition because I would like to go up there and sing at the top of my lungs under those bright lights for my minute of fame so Simon can tell me that I suck ass.

I will let ya know how it goes!

Tweet Tweet

I am trying to get the swing of twitter however it's a little difficult because I only have a handful of followers. I am starting to get my 'tweet ' on but I need tweeters to tweet to. I don't want to use my funny one liners if I don't have anyone to laugh at me.

Click on my page to follow me .. it'll be soooooo tweet. ( The link is on the right of this page.. click it.. you know you want to.)

I almost peed a little...

When kids are at a certain age, they tend to use words and phrases that 'big' people use. Sometimes you look at them like "Where did you hear that from?" Other times they come out wrong or don't make sense with what they are saying.

A few days ago I was laying on the couch watching T.V. My nephew came into the room and I told him to come give me a hug. He did. I told him it was a lame hug and to give me a real one so he squeezed real tight and I squeezed back. Then he said " Are you going to squash my wack?" Now I know whatever he meant certainly was NOT what I thought. I also know that wasn't what he meant to say. I know that he had NO idea why I went into a fit of laughter. I haven't laughed that hard in yearrsssss... I laughed for about 20 minutes..I could not breathe but I could not stop. He said he never saw me laugh so hard but wasn't quite sure why I was laughing. I couldn't even answer him because I was a hyena for awhile. I never asked what it was that he meant to say because I knew if I did I would end up peeing a little.

Funniest thing ever..... Love that kid.

Excuse me?????????????

I have noticed over the last few years that no one has manners anymore. The words 'please' and 'thank you' seem to have been erased from the dictionary. People don't feel like they need to 'ask' anymore. I don't know if it's because the world has a greater sense of "entitlement" now or what. I have actually heard people say that they don't need to say it every time. UM if you are asking for something then yes you SHOULD say it every time. The world DOES not owe you anything. It's called being polite. If you skip the please,it's called being bossy.

I see this alot on Facebook too. " I need a ride..who is going to take me?" or "I need a babysitter on Friday, any takers?". Um you are putting this on Facebook for all of your 500 friends to see. Most of them have no interest in what you need, and those who do, you should call them and ask them POLITELY. Any takers? WHAT IS THAT? It's not an auction and I seriously doubt that when people read this they are raising their hands saying "OH ME ME PICK ME!!!!". So do yourselves a favor and learn to ask as well as appreciate the help because chances are that people might be willing to actually help your ass out if you ask. PLEASE.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

and I feel fine..... Today is supposed to be the end of the world so I am not going to write a long post. If we all make it through until tomorrow.... I will follow up with more :) For now, I will eat crap and get drunk!