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I am trying to get the swing of twitter however it's a little difficult because I only have a handful of followers. I am starting to get my 'tweet ' on but I need tweeters to tweet to. I don't want to use my funny one liners if I don't have anyone to laugh at me.

Click on my page to follow me .. it'll be soooooo tweet. ( The link is on the right of this page.. click it.. you know you want to.)

I almost peed a little...

When kids are at a certain age, they tend to use words and phrases that 'big' people use. Sometimes you look at them like "Where did you hear that from?" Other times they come out wrong or don't make sense with what they are saying.

A few days ago I was laying on the couch watching T.V. My nephew came into the room and I told him to come give me a hug. He did. I told him it was a lame hug and to give me a real one so he squeezed real tight and I squeezed back. Then he said " Are you going to squash my wack?" Now I know whatever he meant certainly was NOT what I thought. I also know that wasn't what he meant to say. I know that he had NO idea why I went into a fit of laughter. I haven't laughed that hard in yearrsssss... I laughed for about 20 minutes..I could not breathe but I could not stop. He said he never saw me laugh so hard but wasn't quite sure why I was laughing. I couldn't even answer him because I was a hyena for awhile. I never asked what it was that he meant to say because I knew if I did I would end up peeing a little.

Funniest thing ever..... Love that kid.

Excuse me?????????????

I have noticed over the last few years that no one has manners anymore. The words 'please' and 'thank you' seem to have been erased from the dictionary. People don't feel like they need to 'ask' anymore. I don't know if it's because the world has a greater sense of "entitlement" now or what. I have actually heard people say that they don't need to say it every time. UM if you are asking for something then yes you SHOULD say it every time. The world DOES not owe you anything. It's called being polite. If you skip the please,it's called being bossy.

I see this alot on Facebook too. " I need a ride..who is going to take me?" or "I need a babysitter on Friday, any takers?". Um you are putting this on Facebook for all of your 500 friends to see. Most of them have no interest in what you need, and those who do, you should call them and ask them POLITELY. Any takers? WHAT IS THAT? It's not an auction and I seriously doubt that when people read this they are raising their hands saying "OH ME ME PICK ME!!!!". So do yourselves a favor and learn to ask as well as appreciate the help because chances are that people might be willing to actually help your ass out if you ask. PLEASE.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

and I feel fine..... Today is supposed to be the end of the world so I am not going to write a long post. If we all make it through until tomorrow.... I will follow up with more :) For now, I will eat crap and get drunk!

The Proof is in the Pooping

When I was in high school I worked at Clover. If you have never heard of it, it was like today's Target. I worked in the snack bar. My responsibilities were making sure the wieners were on the rolly thing cooking, cutting onions, making burgers, scooping ice cream and pouring sodas and icees. It was a glamorous job. I smelled like a hoagie all of the time.

I started noticing that my poop was neon green. I wasn't sure why but it didn't go away. I went to the doctor. The obvious answer was that an alien invaded my body resulting in a neon green secretion from my ass. Here is how the conversation went.

Dr.: "What the fuck are you doing here?" I loved his demeanor.
Me: "My poop is neon green."
Dr.: "Why?"
Me: "If I knew I wouldn't be here."
Dr.: " Are you eating anything different?"
Me: "Nope."
Dr.: "What are you drinking?"
Me: "Water, Diet Coke, Icees."
Dr." What kind of Icees?"
Me: " Blue Raspberry, The red makes a mess of my face."
Dr."That is why your shit is green."
Me.: "Oh."
Dr: " You can stop drinking them or stop looking at your shit."
Me: " I will stop looking at my shit."

Never said I was a rocket scientist.

It's what's INSIDE that counts!

My allergies have been kicking my ass for the past week. I have been blowing my nose every 5 minutes. I actually ran out of tissues at work and had to resort to paper towels. It's almost like using sandpaper to wipe your ass. It hurts. My nose is very sore. My sister (who lives with me) texted me to see if we needed anything for the house since she was out shopping. My response " tissues tissues tissues ". The supply was running low.

I come home and she says (all proud of herself) " I got you your OWN box of tissues for your bedroom. They are purple!" Assuming she got them because purple is my favorite color I said " Thank you!"

A little later , my mom came over and we were watching a movie. She comes in the room and says something about getting me the purple tissues. She said she got them to match my room!!! We both looked at her like she had 5 heads. Then it clicked to her. My bedroom is gold and red (the living room is purple.. well eggplantish).

It's the thought that counts (and the fact that inside the pretty purple box are soft and fluffy tissues). My nose feels better already.

Easy come... easy go

so the diet has been going on for two weeks now. I weighed on Friday and was down a total of 4.5 lbs . I am going to say that it is safe to assume that the beers and buffalo chicken dip and chips I ate on Saturday along with the 5000 crackers and cheese spread and trail mix and wine and piece of boston cream pie I ate on Sunday is probably not going to be good for my weigh in in Friday... just sayin.