Firecracker Firecracker BOOM BOOM BOOM...

When I was younger (the age of 5 to 15) I was a cheerleader. I cheered for my local township and we were the shit. We competed in an annual state competition (I think from age 10 and up??).You had to try out and make the team. There was the Junior and Senior teams. You could try out for cheerleading or halftime (dance) or both. You could make one or the other, both or neither. I always felt bad when someone didn't make anything. In addition to the group competition, there was also a category for Miss Cheerleader. A Miss Cheerleader was chosen from each the junior and senior squad by a vote from her peers and would compete with an individual cheer against all other Miss Cheerleaders from the other squads ( I was both junior and senior Miss Cheerleader back in the day..pat pat). It was a big deal to be Miss Cheerleader. Since this story really has nothing to do with cheerleading , I will get more into my rah rah stories later.

Anyway, my older sister, Eve Marie, was Senior Miss Cheerleader while I was still on the junior squad. She was prepared and ready to go. Two days before the state competition we had a dress rehearsal. My cousin was also on the team and my aunt drove us home from rehearsal. It was December and there was a big snow storm. Ya know, the kind that brings back memories of walking two miles up hill both ways to school in the snow with holes in your shoes. That kind.

Now do you remember when you were little and you got yelled at for doing perfectly logical things and your parents were just constantly up your ass? Like the things you hear yourself say and puke a little in your mouth because you just reminded yourself of them.. Go BRUSH YOUR TEETH, GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS, DON'T YOU DARRRREEEEEEEEEEE WIPE THAT BOOGER ON YOUR SHIRT, GO GET A TISSUE! You get the gist. We had a front porch (well it's still there) but there are bushes in front of it and some garden in between. We always got yelled at for running across the lawn and through the bushes to get to the porch. Made sense to us because otherwise you have to take the long route and walk up to the driveway and onto the porch. One would think that our parents would be grateful to see our precious little faces a little sooner when we jumped through the bushes. Apparently not because no matter where they were as soon as we got mid air all you heard was " STOP JUMPING THROUGH THE BUSHES!!" blah blah blah.

So on the night of dress rehearsal my aunt pulled up to the curb on the street. I got out and my sister got out. We waved goodbye. It was very slippery and she fell. BOOM..flat on her ass. At that exact moment the car slid. BOOM. It ran over her foot. No one's fault, the weather was ideal for a " let's wear saddles shoes and skirts and drive out on the roads" kind of night. So what do I do? I go to run and BOOM. I fall. I get up and run like hell.... slipping all over the lawn through the bushes to the front door opening and my dad yelling " DON"T RUN THROUGH THE BUSHES". So I think to myself " um do you not see all this snow, do you not know that my bloomers and short skirt are making me a little cold???" but I SAY " But Eve's foot just got run over with the car.". Out runs my dad.. and what route do you think he takes??? That's right ladies and gentleman. Poppa goes right through the bushes.

She went to the hospital. Luckily, it was just badly sprained with bruising and nothing was broken. But it hurt her like hell. She had to compete, in pain, with a brace in front of all of those people. When you were Miss Cheerleader , you have to include at least one gymnastic in your cheer. It was normally nothing too dramatic, we were cheerleaders not gymnasts so it was a round up or back handspring. You got the occasional show off who would flip through the air like an empty beer can. Because her foot was swollen and she was in so much pain. She did a cartwheel. The most PATHETIC cartwheel I have ever seen in my life. She won!!! I was so proud. She rocked it. (not the cartwheel but the rest of it).

I am still waiting for an apology for attempting to save my sister's life as quickly as possible by taking the faster route.

Here's the "situation"...

The Jersey Shore can best be described as a train wreck that you can't turn away from. It is stupid and whoever came up with the concept is a genius. If someone told me that I would be wrapped up in a show about a bunch of " guidos and guidettes" (who aren't even all Italian!) getting drunk, falling all over themselves,getting laid and fighting I would have told them to lay off the crack. If there wasn't such a controversy when the show first started about the stereotype of Italians, I don't even think the show would have taken off like it did. That was why I turned it on .. to see what the big deal was. But I watch it and so do 8 however million others. Well let me rephrase that... I start to watch it then fall asleep and watch it On Demand later. I would never be able to be a guidette. They go out at midnight (at which time I am already sound asleep and drooling on my pillow).


Season 4 in Italy starts tonight. This is my take on the cast:

Snookie: Her first appearance on the show was the most ridiculous thing I have ever watched. She went in loud as hell and started with the shots. Got stupid drunk, made a bad impression and looked like an ass. She redeemed herself quickly. She is young and has an innocence to her. I like her because she falls down alot and dances with indoor plants. That's good enough for me.

The Situation:: The nickname has been wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overused and I find it extremely annoying. The abs.. ok we get it. I am tired of looking at them. He is now 30 years old. It's time to grow up. Apparently ( according to Wikipedia) he has a girlfriend now. They just finished filming Season 5 a few days ago so we will see if this girlfriend had any affect on how he acted and what he did. His face isn't even attractive so his whole grenade theory is stupid. I have him on my facebook. It seems that he used to post his own comments and got ripped apart constantly for the spelling errors. I am guessing someone else does it now ( someone with spellcheck). I did at one point delete him because if I saw a picture of his abs or heard the word "situation" one more time I was going to poke my eyes out with a toothpick. I added him back though because I heard something on tv about something he said ( I forget what it was) and I wanted to see and he is still on there. All he does is try to promote his brother and offer free autographed photos to people who comment back. I am perfectly content with my signed Tony Orlando! picture thank you very much and that's... the situation.

Ronnie: Needs to control his temper. Maybe get some meds??? You can't rip apart a room and throw all of her stuff on the deck and tell her how much you hate her and want her gone then cry for a week because she left then get a little upset that she is back because you were starting to feel better.( I am aware that this sentence is ridiculously long). I like Ronnie aside from his psychotic behavior. Although I do tend to attract some crazies myself.

Vinny: Really? You left because you were homesick? Suck it up , look at your paycheck. You had another month (ish) to go. Someone must have told him to be a big boy though because he went back. I like you Vinny..stop being a baby.


Pauly D: I like him. He seems like a nice guy. I also think that he keeps his mouth shut most of the time to avoid the drama. He's a good looking dude but his hair is dumb.

JWoww: I didn't like her at first. She seemed like a bully. She was a bully. But I have grown to like her. I think she has a good head on her shoulders and is growing up much faster than some of her "roomies". She can be a little hard headed but she always comes around. It's nice to know that there is hope for hard headed people (yea I'm talking to YOU).

Sammi:: Sammi, Sammi,Sammi. Get over your insecurities. Once you believe you are worth something, your drama will end. Although if you do this, you're part on the show will seem minimal. You will need a new focus. Good luck with that.

Deena:: was pretty low key on her first season then got all testy because they were picking on her. I didn't think she got much attention at all. She was kind of just there. She needs to incorporate some drama if she wants to be remembered, i.e I almost forgot to even add her to this list).

So, who else is ready for Jersday???????

Boobs

Now that I have your attention:

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? There are so many things out there that most (I said most, I didn't say all) of us want but don't have. Did you say " Give me some examples?" Why I would be glad to.

(all examples are the opinion of me)

Example 1 : Straight/ Curly Hair

I have curly hair. Let me rephrase that. It's curly when I let it air dry which I never do unless I have no intention of seeing anyone outside of my household. The reason for this is because I look little orphan Annie. It is about 5 inches shorter than normal and I look like a child, a child that not even Daddy Warbucks would adopt. In the winter, I can usually successfully straighten it(as long as there is no rain). It looks nice like that. Some people tell me it looks nice curly. Well, in order for me to get it to look nice curly, I need to dry it , gel it, fix the curls with a curling iron and about 2 hours later it looks nice. But I don't like it curly so even when it looks "nice" I think it looks like ass. Everyone with straight hair wishes it was curly. Get over it. Straight is much easier, I assure you and getting adopted will be easier.

Example 2: Big Boobs
Really?

Why would you want big boobs? Normal boobs are fine. I grew boobs when I was 2 and they seem to have been growing ever since. People have always said that I should " show them off". Ummm YOU CAN"T MISS THEM. Wearing a shirt that accentuates them would only draw more attention to them. They are heavy, they bang into walls all by themselves and you feel like a molester every time you hug someone. Normal size shirts don't "fit" without it looking like Mt.Helena is erupting. By flaunting them, people forget that you have a face. HELLO I am up here!! Oh and the bras. There is no such thing as a pretty bra. Even the ones that look "pretty" are huge. The back is like 5 feet wide to support you. It looks likes you are wearing a parachute. It's unattractive. So all you big boob wanters out there.. don't do it. Silicone can leak anyway.

Example 3: Good Looks

Not your normal good looks (like I have..wink wink). The good looks that people ( men and women, gay or straight) walk by and say "Wow what a good looking girl (or guy)". This usually requires much more effort than they will every say. They add makeup to further enhance a naturally pretty face, botox for some (God forbid that anyone see a wrinkle and know that they have smiled before),the constant waxing and bleaching. Oh and let's not forget the insecurity. A lot of good looking people are very insecure. My guess is that they act so stuck up that no one wants to befriend them and they wonder why. So if you have the need to be desirable save your money on botox, go buy a pack of cigs and hit the bar. You will look just as good to someone after some shots and beers anyway and you will still be able to smile when you wake up in the morning.

That's all folks.

"Ya'll come back now ya hear?"

As mentioned in previous posts, I do a good amount of biking. By good amount of biking I mean that from May -September I train for the MS City to Shore ride (great cause- if you want to donate- look to your right:)). Once the ride is over, the bike gets put away and stays there until the following May. I usually train alone and like to keep it to back neighborhoods , I am way too much of a klutz to be trusted riding on roads with alot of traffic. Not that I fall off of my bike because I don't but if I were to, it would surely be at a time that I would get run over by a car and die. Only about 2 miles of my ride is on a major road so I am only on there for a few minutes.

My neighborhood is basically only three roads that loop around and I would have to go around a ridiculous amount of times to get a good ride in and I bore quite easily so I avoid that. I usually go over by my mom's neighborhood where there are many options and the neighborhoods go into other neighborhoods so I can get alot of riding in.

Usually if I ride after work, I will do a 10 mile ride. Often I do more but I like to get at least that in. Doesn't take too long and it's enough to feel like I got in a workout. I have been going a specific route which I know round trip will be 10 miles. I loop around a certain area about 5 times and with the travel to get there and back my full trip. There is a certain house that I go by that I hate. Sometimes they are outside. They look at me like I am crazy because they see me go by several times. Sometimes, there is just one older man , who looks like he is right out of the Beverly Hillbillies who sits alone on the rocking porch out front and glares at me every time I ride by. I pretend to not notice him since I have my biking glasses on but he creeps me out. I feel like I am a stalker because I think he thinks that I am a stalker when I am just simply just riding my bike. Every time I am about to pass that house, I pray that no one is outside. I really don't think I should have to feel that way. It's not like I am riding in circles outside of his house holding a sign that says " I bike while I stalk".

I have recently changed it up a little for two reasons. I do get bored after awhile and I don't want to get my ass kicked by a Jed Clampett look alike. I still travel that route but I cut it back to 3 loops then I go off to another neighborhood. The other neighborhood is great. It's one road that goes around a bunch of other roads but it is a mile around. So If I go around that a few times and combine it with my other route it's still the same length.

The other day, I was riding in my new 'area' and there were kids outside in the backyard playing. I didn't even hear or notice them there until on my third and last loop I hear a little voice say " WHO ARE YOU?" Here we go again. Won't be doing that anymore.

I see people in my neighborhood walking or biking in circles all the time and (again) since its one small loop they can go by several times. I never think that these people are coming to get me. I think that they are umm exercising.

If I could fit my bike into my car and take it to a bike trail (there aren't any close enough to me to ride to without dying on a main road) I would. So now I am going to try some new routes. Because I don't think I will be hearing "ya'll come back now ya hear?" anytime soon.

Short and Sweet

They say patience is a virtue. I say patience is overrated. So here is my plan. Short sweet and to the point. If you like my blog or a specific post do the following:

1.To find my link to follow me on Twitter- look to your right. Yep there it is- where the little bird I fondly call Wienie is. Now click it.

2.Look to your left.. The links that says you can share on Twitter or Facebook. If you like a specific blog share it.

3.Comment.


If you don't like it, do nothing.
Happy Friday!

That's the brakes!

Many years ago I bought a Honda Civic. It was a 'sports edition' and it was on the showroom floor. I bought it at night and was picking it up the following day. From the minute I drove it out of the dealership I hated it. I hated the color. It was red and it was way more red than it looked under the lights in the showroom. The car was nice but I still hated it simply because it was ugly (to me) and I couldn't wait to get rid of it. Once I was close to my lease being up (I suffered through the most of the lease) I bought an Acura RSX. It was a brand new make and there weren't many of them on the road yet. I loved that car(so much that when that lease was up I got another one). It was a champagne color , it was a stick and it drove beautifully.

One rainy night after work, I was watching T.V. in my bedroom (I lived at home with my mom since it was years ago). My mom was out and she came home and heard the T.V. on in my room and opened the door. She said " Oh I didn't know you were home, where is your car?". I said " UMMMM it's outside in the street". She said " No it's not". At first I thought she was being funny, until I looked out the window and my car was gone. I freaked out. My baby was kidnapped and I had no idea what to do.

I got up and ran next door in the rain to my neighbor's house and knocked violently. He opened the door and I said " Someone stole my car, did you see anything?,can you go get them?" I apparently thought that my neighbor was a superhero. He grabbed his coat and said he would go look around. I ran back into my house and called the cops.

Ring Ring : " Police Department".
Me: " Someone stole my car"
PD: " Where do you live"
Me: gave the address
PD: " Could someone in your family have borrowed it?"
Me: " No it's a stick, no one else knows how to drive it"
PD: " Ok we will send a car out"
Me: " Ok hurry up she has been kidnapped"
Click.

I went back outside and started to walk over to my neighbor's because I wanted to go with him to find the kidnapper. My mom (I think, unless it was my sister I don't know because I was so distraught), pointed out in the distance and said " UM is that your car?". We all looked down the end of the street and there she was.. my baby.

So apparently when I came home I was in a hurry to get out of the rain. I had been shopping and had bags in the car, I grabbed the bags and ran inside. As mentioned previously, my car was a stick. I neglected to pull the emergency brake up. My car rolled down the street, it must have hit a sewer cover and it then crossed the street and landed up and over the curb of a house at the END of the street.

My first thought was ' Holy shit, thank God there were no kids outside ( it was raining so there wasn't and it wouldn't have happened if it was raining because I would have paid better attention) and that there were no other cars parked in the street. It had to have gone down the street pretty quickly and I would assume it happened right after I got out and ran for the door. So as I am running inside the house the car was already rolling down the street. Jackass.

We all run down to the car, my neighbor gets it off the curb and drives it back. The person who lived there never knew. It didn't damage anything, including the car (or so I thought until a week later when I blew a tire).

I realized that now I have to call the cops back. Not having any idea what I am going to say but knowing that I have to call them to stop the baby search, I call.

Ring Ring : " Police Department"
Me: "Yes I called about 10 minutes ago to report my car stolen."
PD: " Ok?"
Me:" I want to report it unstolen."
PD: " Oh you found it. Where was it?"
Me: " ummmm"
PD: " Let me guess, a family member borrowed it and didn't tell you."
Me: " Yep! Thanks bye".
Click

That was a long time ago. I still drive a stick and every time I get out of my car I double check to make sure the brake is up (great addition to my OCD issues).

Moral of the story: Being an idiot could be very dangerous.

Dude..you stink

I am a smoker (I know I shouldn't smoke but I do so you can save the lectures). I also know that people who smoke can stink. For some reason when you smoke outside in the winter it smells ten times worse than normal. I tried to look up the reason for this before I started posting this however all the links brought me to discussions on why people smell smoke that isn't really there (ummm ok) and talks of people's urine smell. Obviously NOT what I was looking for so I gave up (rather quickly at that).

Anyway, my guess is something to do with the cold air and it clinging to your clothes more (yes I am a rocket scientist). I used to date a guy (many many years ago), we will call him Stinky, who smoked like a chimney. I smoke but I can manage to breathe for a few hours between cigarettes. He smoked constantly. I worked at a retail store with him part-time. On nights that he wasn't working he would frequently come up to see me. He wore a heavy coat. It was of an NFL team that was NOT the Eagles. It was blue and gray and had a big fat star on it. Have you figured this out yet? I remember the coat vividly (which is impressive because I can't even remember his last name).

I always knew when he was there before I even saw him because the stench preceded him. Especially in the winter. I would look around and sure enough he would come around the corner. I really tried not to mention it since I am a smoker and I know that I stink too but I just stink like a cigarette not like a chimney. One day, I sniffed and looked up and there he was. I said " you stink" and he said "thanks". After that, I got progressively more grossed out because I have the nose of a bloodhound. He was more than a little needy and with the smell, he had to go. We broke up, he hated me but I didn't really care because, while he was a nice guy, he smelled and was needy.

I wonder what ever happened to "Stinky".... I would look him up but I can't remember his last name. Gonna go smoke a cigarette now....