Let's talk about sex

The opposite sex. My grandmother is always asking if  I met anyone.  Now I don't tell her of everyone I meet and would only answer that question if it was worth mentioning and getting her hopes up. Some things are normal when you are younger but once you hit 30 there is no excuse.

Here is my Top 10 as to why I am single :

10. My idea of a romantic home cooked meal is not in the kitchen of your parents' house ( where you STILL live) while they are watching Jeopardy in the next room and coming in every five minutes to see if we need anything (um yea,  how about a little privacy!!)

9. You keep calling me by the wrong name ( and no I don't believe that it's your niece's name).

8.You call me ( I don't call you) every week and ask me out for dinner.  Every week you pick a day and say you will call later in the week to make the plans. Every week  I don't hear from you. Why the HELLLLL  do you keep calling?  You are either a player or suffer from Alzheimer's. Either way.. go away.

7. First date is the movies.  Most find this to be an impersonal first date so you decide to make it more intimate by trying to stick your tongue down my throat before the previews even start. Classy.

6. I meet up with you at a bar.  You have been there awhile and start sobbing about your ex-girlfriend from 9 years ago.  Clearly, you are marriage material.

5. First date is miniature golf....in the rain. You go to the counter, pick a ball and pay. Then, being the gentleman that you are , step aside so that I can pay for myself. ( There will be no 'hole in one' for you pal!)

4. You 'forget' your credit card and don't realize it until the check comes after a $150.00 meal. You are obviously related to #8 and I  want no parts of this family.

3. Your mom makes your underwear.. I have nothing more to say about this.

2. You smell like a fart..  all of the time...

and finally

1. You couldn't call me for two months. The reason: You went to a bar, got stupid drunk and walked home ( good boy.. you didn't drive drunk). Then you went home and turned on the TV. Problem was you weren't in YOUR home. No you were a few blocks over and had no idea that it wasn't where you live. Can you say REHAB?

So next time, don't ask me why... you know.