How I saved Tony Orlando's Life...

I was walking down the streets of New York minding my own business. I was looking extremely cute that day. I had on a pair of black capris, a black and white shirt and a yellow headband for color. The streets were crowded and full of people in a hurry. All of the sudden wild boars came stampeding down Times Square and everyone started running in terror!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NO (I thought to myself) I never expected to die today in such an outrageous scene !  I pulled it together and thought 'You can save the world! You can do this and you ARE in New York lookin all cute maybe you will be a hero and go on the Today Show … which would be convenient being as I am already in here'. Then I thought ..'well wait (all the while people are screaming all around me like crazys being chased by wild boars) if I go on the Today Show I want to be interviewed by Matt Lauer and he is on assignment  so maybe I won’t save the world'… Then I decided it was the right thing to do.

Suddenly I was snapped out of my ridiculous daydream by a loud halting scream. I turn and look and there is Tony Orlando. He was high up in a tree and he yelled down to me ‘ I’m so very scared and frightened. What will Dawn think if I die this way???’ I reply ‘ What will they think if you live and knew you were a sissy hiding in a tree Mr. Tony Orlando? Then he yells ‘ LOOK they are getting closer RUN’’ ( insert scary dramatic music here)… So I duck into Tiffanys as they go stampeding by (by the way there is a beautiful diamond necklace I saw there while I was waiting for the wild boars to leave the streets of New York that I have my eye on)…

After the boars were gone and I tried on that necklace, I ran back outside in search of a soul to save. I look up and there is Tony dangling from a branch. The boars cracked the tree as they sped by and he was about to come crashing down and splat onto the ground. Being as I was still looking cute and didn’t really want to climb the tree and get dirty I need to come up with a plan. Suddenly it clicked to me. There is a way to keep him safe so the tree doesn’t fall until help arrives!!!!! I bravely took the yellow ribbon from my head and tied it around that old oak tree!!!!

He lived and we took a picture…

The End

Road rage...

I was in my car driving yesterday and hit a little traffic.  I needed to get in the right lane because I was trying to get on the turnpike . I put on my turn signal and naturally no one wanted to let me in.  I don't understand why people do that.  I am one car. If you needed to get over I would let you in. The fear of getting to my destination 15 seconds later than I would if I had not let you  in doesn't bother me. I wasn't speeding past all the traffic to get in at the last second . It was well before the turnpike entrance. So I finally see my break.  There is a black Pathfinder and I could cross in front of it with plenty of room.  As I start to do so, he guns it so I can't get in.  I get annoyed , call him an asshole under my breath and manage to get over a few cars behind him.  I get over it and keep driving.

I get to the booth ,get my ticket and I see that he is the booth next to mine getting his ticket.   After I have my ticket, I go .  The ramp I am getting on is in the same lane that I am in so I start driving straight ahead. He comes flying up ( he is to my right and is 'supposed' to yield to the traffic going straight.  He decides  he is just going to get over and cut me off. Now I am in the lane I am supposed to be in and he should be waiting for me to pass to get over.  But NOOOOO  he cuts me off.  I tried not to let him in but he was so close to hitting me that I had to brake.  I was soooooooooo mad.  This guy was just an asshole who decided that because I tried ( WITH my signal on and with yielding... obviously because he wouldn't let me in) to get over in front of him ( when there was room to do so) that he was going to cut me off.  I didn't cut him off!  I would understand if I had cut him off and gotten in the lane that he would be angry  but I didn't do that.  At this point I am really mad and giving him the finger. Who does that?? 

So we get on the turnpike and I get in another lane right away because I need to get away from him because I am so mad.   Dude then is driving on the turnpike at about 40 mph.  Ok  so you aren't in a hurry because you are driving way under the speed limit so what is your problem? I keep driving.  At the exit, there is traffic.  He catches up.  I get in the lane to get my ticket and I see him in the lane to my left.  I look at him.. he looks straight ahead.  I am now hoping that I end up in front of him just for the satisfaction that him being a prick didn't get him any farther.   The car in front of me is rumaging for change and he managed to get out ahead of me.  He was gone after that.  I am a calm person but I  understand why people get road rage. Drivers can be assholes.  I don't wish harm on anyone but I do hope he loses control of his bladder....

Out of the mouth of babes

Quote of the week : " Can you please turn around while I put on my pajamas? When I was a baby, I didn't care if you saw but now that I know what these parts are I don't want you to see them."

Vote for me for Reality TV!

I am a reality show fool.  I love my reality shows. But I am starting to get a little disturbed by them. It's like a train wreck that you can't take pull your eyes from.

Dancing with the Stars: The judges treat them like they are pros and can be way overcritical.  They must get paid an awful lot of money to put up with that and smile and say 'Thank you' after they get ripped a new ass.  I am, however, looking forward to this season. 

Ralph Macchio rocks.50 years old? Not too shabby.

 I was so shocked by Kirstie Alley. I thought she was going to get on my last nerve and embarrass the hell out of herself. But I have to say, she proved me wrong ( which I am sure that's what her intentions were.. to prove ME wrong).

 Wendy Williams,  I love ya, I do  but you seriously suck and how the HELL do you remain upright with those " dumplings" ( as Len called them).  I think you deserve to keep trying. You clearly don't dance and that's the whole point so I give you props for going out there and not being a chicken with "dumplings".

Kendra, I am sorry  I'm not sure what the judges were watching but you were a hot mess. You looked like a bowl of Jello. However, I think the judges saw a few of your Playboy issues and decided that you had great "potential". We will see.  Maybe you will upgrade to pudding and get a it little less floppy out there.

 They should really limit the dances they do and come up with better songs.  I nominate me to help them out with this. If I win, you will never have to witness the likes of Florence Henderson dancing the Rumba.  Promise.


 American Idol: ok  I love this show. I am an American Idol dork.  A big one. BUT  I think with each season, the singers  get worse.  They always start the first few weeks with the stupidest song choices.  You are supposed to go out there and showcase your voice, not sing Smells like Teen Spirit. That's a song you listen to at a bar or in your car when you want to scream like a fool not when you are trying to convince 65 million people that you have the voice of an angel. I like Casey, but clearly I am not the only one with this opinion since he almost got the boot last week... people don't forget. Whatever happened to songs like Fantasia's "Summertime"?  Now that's singing. Once you prove yourself then you go out there and rock it out. I get that JLo ,Steven Tyler and Randy ( who worked with Mariah Carey.. did you know that ? He's mentioned it a time or ten..thousand)  are sitting in front of you but it is still a singing competition and they CAN sing. They just choose not to. I find this disturbing and nominate myself to be the guest mentor for a  week so I can correct this problem before the show falls aparts and gets canceled.

The Bachelor: First of all, Facebook sucks.  There was a spoiler out there that told who won and told it very early on. Someone posted about watching and some other rude ass comments back with who wins in the end.  I find this extremely uncalled for and that's another post for the near future. Anyway, so I knew who was going to win. Or I thought I did.  I went online the day of the finale ( before it was on)  because I couldn't remember if After the Final Rose was on right after the end of the show.  When I googled it the first thing I saw was a post that the spoiler was wrong...  which sucked because I would have been surprised when Emily won had I not seen that because the spoiler said that Shawntel won.  Apparently, the spoiler is out there every year and that was the first time it was wrong ( so they say). So what is the point of watching a show for months when you can look online and find out who won. Even if you don't want to know, it's kind of hard not to find out unless you delete your facebook account for two months. The most disturbing part is that you watch this Oh So Romantic finale with the lovey dovey music and the kissing and swinging around like they are in the Sound of Music and then a half hour later you are watching them on the couch saying.. well I changed my mind and now I love Molly .  It kind of ruins the mood.  I know, I know  there is Trista  and Ryan and Ali and Roberto and maybe one or two others. But the show has been running a long time.  The stats aren't in their favor.  I nominate ME to come up with a better plan to make this work.

The morale of this story is if you nominate me as the Reality Show Savior the show will go on.  And that's a wrap!

A Very Potter Musical.. and all my rambling in between

I was on babysitting duty last night. During the day at work, I asked my coworkers for ideas on what to do with my nephew. He is 8.  I didn't want to sit in the house all night and watch TV.  We do much more of that than should be legal. A few ideas were roller skating: he doesn't know how to skate and I haven't done that in about 25 years so that was a big fat NO since we would most likely spend the rest of the night in the E.R.   Another suggestion was the movies  which is basically watching a really big TV just not at home. NO.

Then someone asked if my nephew ( we will call him Schmushy) liked Harry Potter. um DUH.  Of course he does,  he loves Harry Potter more than I love cheese..which is a lot. He showed me an article in the paper that a local college was hosting a Very Potter Musical.  I never heard of it. Apparently, I live in a bubble because it's a huge You Tube phenomenon. AND it was free. Since my paycheck looked like a pile of puke, I thought this was a great idea.  I called on the way home from work and asked if he wanted to go. He responded just as I would if I had won the $312 mega million lottery ( which I did NOT). Then I called my mom.   Gotta love the Momma Bear.   I told her how pretty she was to prime her than asked if she wanted to join us.  I was somewhat familiar with the college and had no idea where to find where the play was. I get a little spazzy if I don't have help if I get lost and I also figured it would be nice for us to all go together ( and it was free :).

Then I decided it would be nice to go get something to eat first. I asked Schmushy if he wanted to go to Friendly's.  I think he almost peed a little.  He was so excited to get his double chocolate fudge whatever its called sundae. So Momma Bear, Schmushy and I go to Friendly's . We eat a crappy dinner, he gets a Warrior Helmet with wings  made out of balloons, the most ridiculously huge root beer ever and ice cream.  He is now ready to go all and  nice and sugared up! ( This portion of the program is NOT free :)

 Anyway,  we get the college and find out way surprisingly easily and early.   The room has tables and chairs set up for the audience. It looked pretty full so I was glad to get there early. We get a table and we sit. It ended up extremely crowded and the girl announced that people had to 'scoot in' and get away from the walls as it creating a fire hazard, They were not expecting a large crowd. So now I am all like ok, this is a big deal (that I never heard of) you advertised in the paper but you weren't expecting a big crowd?.  That makes perfect sense.  Lots of kids, older folk , college kids etc.

The show starts.  I realize pretty quickly that its more of a spoof of  Harry Potter.  But it's pretty funny.  They all look like college kids ( I have now learned that there are different casts). They curse.  At first I was a little like Oh shit are we going to have to leave because this is going to be inappropriate? Schmuschy is 8 and knows not to curse.  As a matter of fact, he keeps a curse jar. If you curse you owe a dollar.  Many people owe the curse jar money but have yet to pay up.  But he is old enough to handle the word shit here and there.  The theory behind this show is genius.  It really is. It was very entertaining, semi kid friendly ( a few things went right over all the kids heads , which is a good thing).  It was a musical  but the singing sucked..  like really bad sucked. I am guessing that this cast was pretty new to this ( hence it was free). The acting was ok but because the play was written so well and it was funny you didn't really notice that all of the time.  The kid who played Voldemort  was excellent, as was obvious by the applause for him at the end of the show. It was long though. Too long.. it lasted about 3 hours which , in my opinion is a bit too long, for a half decent acting, terrible singing show. Having said that something about it worked and worked well.

If they shorten it up, take a few singing and acting lessons they will be able to charge admission to this and they will make a killing!  All in all I give a thumb and a half up! Schmushy gives it 2 thumbs up.. If I had to guess, I would say Momma gives it a thumb and a nub up!