in a far away land a Princess named Ricky put her pants on. Her pants were a little tight and were not at all flattering. Princess Ricky decided it was time to start exercising and eating better so that when Prince Charming comes along he can carry her over the threshold without getting a hernia.
To be continued........
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
What kind of drunk are you?
I'm a social drinker. I do not drink at home if I am alone. My mental picture of doing this ages me 50 years as sad and lonely with 4,000 cats and a bottle of whiskey hanging from my arm while I am laying on a recliner covered in fur). I find that depressing.
I drink when I am out. Period. I do not like the 'feeling ' of being drunk. Buzzed.. I can do .. drunk not so much. You know when you get to the point where if you take one more sip.. you will be dancing on the bar lifting your shirt because you suddenly believe that your muffin top is incredibly sexy. I avoid getting to that point. I have learned that there are different levels of "feeling good". Here is how I see the different levels of drinking.
The Yawner: The yawner is the one that didn't really want to go out in the first place. They do not drink. They are bored by the whole thing and just want to go home. The yawner is annoying. If the yawner is claiming that they came out because they didn't want to get shit for staying home.. guess what??? We would have rather you have done that than sit there and mope all night. You will not be missed next time around. Just sayin....
The Pretender: The pretender wants desperately to be cool. They don't really drink much by nature but want to fit in so bad that they pretend. They will get a real drink, make it a point to let you know exactly what they are drinking ( usually rum and coke) then order a soda and say that they are still drinking rum and coke. Here's the deal Pretender: once you have had 7 "rum and cokes" and haven't gotten all stupid- the gig is up. If you don't want to drink alot then good for you. But if drinking ain't your thing,why the hell do you want to hang around a bunch of drunk people? The pretender needs to seek counseling or try going to Starbucks.
The Handler: The handler knows what they are doing. They know how to have a good time and they know how much they can handle. The handler can sometimes drink all night without batting an eye or can have just a few and start to feel it. They can get a good buzz but know how to act. The handler is good to have around so they can pay attention to all of the others listed here. They are not only a good time but do not end up the topic of everyone's conversation the following day for making a complete ass of themselves. Downside to being a handler: they end up being responsible for all of the idiots they are with at the time.
The Sneaker: The sneaker is not a shoe that drinks. The sneaker is the one that everyone tends to dread hanging around because they end up carrying them out of the bar, picking them up off the floor or cleaning up their chunky puke. The sneaker pretends that they have it all under control. They say they are going to the bathroom and come back drunk. Not only are they drunk they pretend they are not. To the Sneaker: there is a word for sneaking away to take shots without no one seeing you so they don't think you are being excessive . The word is alcoholism. Seek help. There are plenty of places out there to help you..google it.
The Am Ex: you never leave home without the Am Ex. They are the ones that you always want with you when going out. They drink, usually to excess but lack the sneakers need to be constantly watched over. They are funny, a little loud and will always be sure that there are drinks on the bar. They are secure with drinking openly as they don't do it often and enjoy the chance to get away from the kids if even for just a few hours. The Am Ex is the life of the party.
The Zit: the last one is the Zit. Aptly named because you usually know they are coming, they tend to irritate you and you can't wait for them to go away. The Zit starts out fun. Then they drink to excess and become loud and annoying ESPECIALLY to the Yawner and the Handler. They do not know when to shut the hell up, can become extremely obnoxious and like to share their 'feelings' with anyone who will listen. The Zit tries to get everyone to drink, whether they want to or not and do not know when stop. The Zit thinks they are making friends with everyone and has no idea that everyone in the bar is talking about them. Many people want to 'pop' the Zit throughout the night. Do not confuse the Zit with the Am Ex. There is no gray area between the two.
Which one are you?
I drink when I am out. Period. I do not like the 'feeling ' of being drunk. Buzzed.. I can do .. drunk not so much. You know when you get to the point where if you take one more sip.. you will be dancing on the bar lifting your shirt because you suddenly believe that your muffin top is incredibly sexy. I avoid getting to that point. I have learned that there are different levels of "feeling good". Here is how I see the different levels of drinking.
The Yawner: The yawner is the one that didn't really want to go out in the first place. They do not drink. They are bored by the whole thing and just want to go home. The yawner is annoying. If the yawner is claiming that they came out because they didn't want to get shit for staying home.. guess what??? We would have rather you have done that than sit there and mope all night. You will not be missed next time around. Just sayin....
The Pretender: The pretender wants desperately to be cool. They don't really drink much by nature but want to fit in so bad that they pretend. They will get a real drink, make it a point to let you know exactly what they are drinking ( usually rum and coke) then order a soda and say that they are still drinking rum and coke. Here's the deal Pretender: once you have had 7 "rum and cokes" and haven't gotten all stupid- the gig is up. If you don't want to drink alot then good for you. But if drinking ain't your thing,why the hell do you want to hang around a bunch of drunk people? The pretender needs to seek counseling or try going to Starbucks.
The Handler: The handler knows what they are doing. They know how to have a good time and they know how much they can handle. The handler can sometimes drink all night without batting an eye or can have just a few and start to feel it. They can get a good buzz but know how to act. The handler is good to have around so they can pay attention to all of the others listed here. They are not only a good time but do not end up the topic of everyone's conversation the following day for making a complete ass of themselves. Downside to being a handler: they end up being responsible for all of the idiots they are with at the time.
The Sneaker: The sneaker is not a shoe that drinks. The sneaker is the one that everyone tends to dread hanging around because they end up carrying them out of the bar, picking them up off the floor or cleaning up their chunky puke. The sneaker pretends that they have it all under control. They say they are going to the bathroom and come back drunk. Not only are they drunk they pretend they are not. To the Sneaker: there is a word for sneaking away to take shots without no one seeing you so they don't think you are being excessive . The word is alcoholism. Seek help. There are plenty of places out there to help you..google it.
The Am Ex: you never leave home without the Am Ex. They are the ones that you always want with you when going out. They drink, usually to excess but lack the sneakers need to be constantly watched over. They are funny, a little loud and will always be sure that there are drinks on the bar. They are secure with drinking openly as they don't do it often and enjoy the chance to get away from the kids if even for just a few hours. The Am Ex is the life of the party.
The Zit: the last one is the Zit. Aptly named because you usually know they are coming, they tend to irritate you and you can't wait for them to go away. The Zit starts out fun. Then they drink to excess and become loud and annoying ESPECIALLY to the Yawner and the Handler. They do not know when to shut the hell up, can become extremely obnoxious and like to share their 'feelings' with anyone who will listen. The Zit tries to get everyone to drink, whether they want to or not and do not know when stop. The Zit thinks they are making friends with everyone and has no idea that everyone in the bar is talking about them. Many people want to 'pop' the Zit throughout the night. Do not confuse the Zit with the Am Ex. There is no gray area between the two.
Which one are you?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Let's talk about sex
The opposite sex. My grandmother is always asking if I met anyone. Now I don't tell her of everyone I meet and would only answer that question if it was worth mentioning and getting her hopes up. Some things are normal when you are younger but once you hit 30 there is no excuse.
Here is my Top 10 as to why I am single :
10. My idea of a romantic home cooked meal is not in the kitchen of your parents' house ( where you STILL live) while they are watching Jeopardy in the next room and coming in every five minutes to see if we need anything (um yea, how about a little privacy!!)
9. You keep calling me by the wrong name ( and no I don't believe that it's your niece's name).
8.You call me ( I don't call you) every week and ask me out for dinner. Every week you pick a day and say you will call later in the week to make the plans. Every week I don't hear from you. Why the HELLLLL do you keep calling? You are either a player or suffer from Alzheimer's. Either way.. go away.
7. First date is the movies. Most find this to be an impersonal first date so you decide to make it more intimate by trying to stick your tongue down my throat before the previews even start. Classy.
6. I meet up with you at a bar. You have been there awhile and start sobbing about your ex-girlfriend from 9 years ago. Clearly, you are marriage material.
5. First date is miniature golf....in the rain. You go to the counter, pick a ball and pay. Then, being the gentleman that you are , step aside so that I can pay for myself. ( There will be no 'hole in one' for you pal!)
4. You 'forget' your credit card and don't realize it until the check comes after a $150.00 meal. You are obviously related to #8 and I want no parts of this family.
3. Your mom makes your underwear.. I have nothing more to say about this.
2. You smell like a fart.. all of the time...
and finally
1. You couldn't call me for two months. The reason: You went to a bar, got stupid drunk and walked home ( good boy.. you didn't drive drunk). Then you went home and turned on the TV. Problem was you weren't in YOUR home. No you were a few blocks over and had no idea that it wasn't where you live. Can you say REHAB?
So next time, don't ask me why... you know.
Here is my Top 10 as to why I am single :
10. My idea of a romantic home cooked meal is not in the kitchen of your parents' house ( where you STILL live) while they are watching Jeopardy in the next room and coming in every five minutes to see if we need anything (um yea, how about a little privacy!!)
9. You keep calling me by the wrong name ( and no I don't believe that it's your niece's name).
8.You call me ( I don't call you) every week and ask me out for dinner. Every week you pick a day and say you will call later in the week to make the plans. Every week I don't hear from you. Why the HELLLLL do you keep calling? You are either a player or suffer from Alzheimer's. Either way.. go away.
7. First date is the movies. Most find this to be an impersonal first date so you decide to make it more intimate by trying to stick your tongue down my throat before the previews even start. Classy.
6. I meet up with you at a bar. You have been there awhile and start sobbing about your ex-girlfriend from 9 years ago. Clearly, you are marriage material.
5. First date is miniature golf....in the rain. You go to the counter, pick a ball and pay. Then, being the gentleman that you are , step aside so that I can pay for myself. ( There will be no 'hole in one' for you pal!)
4. You 'forget' your credit card and don't realize it until the check comes after a $150.00 meal. You are obviously related to #8 and I want no parts of this family.
3. Your mom makes your underwear.. I have nothing more to say about this.
2. You smell like a fart.. all of the time...
and finally
1. You couldn't call me for two months. The reason: You went to a bar, got stupid drunk and walked home ( good boy.. you didn't drive drunk). Then you went home and turned on the TV. Problem was you weren't in YOUR home. No you were a few blocks over and had no idea that it wasn't where you live. Can you say REHAB?
So next time, don't ask me why... you know.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Things I have learned
There is an overwhelming number of Americans who do NOT know their own address.
Never trust a driver who waves to you to let you know it's clear to make a turn.
You should ALWAYS lock the door when in a single public bathroom.
Some people feel better just by making you feel bad.
The 'tough' guys are usually the softies.
Facebook is ridiculous yet addicting.
Sometimes you are better off just agreeing to disagree.
Old men are very flirtatious.
Never light a match near a head full of hairspray.
If you smell something burning, trust your instincts.
Never trust a driver who waves to you to let you know it's clear to make a turn.
You should ALWAYS lock the door when in a single public bathroom.
Some people feel better just by making you feel bad.
The 'tough' guys are usually the softies.
Facebook is ridiculous yet addicting.
Sometimes you are better off just agreeing to disagree.
Old men are very flirtatious.
Never light a match near a head full of hairspray.
If you smell something burning, trust your instincts.
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