Day 9- Blame it on the Rain

Ok so today is actually day 11.  A little depressing  that I am almost halfway through but we won't talk about that.  I am behind on my "days off "blogging but nothing too exciting happened.  I cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more. The only thing I haven't finished is the basement.  I have half of it finished. So let's talk about that "other half". This whole story is Stranger Cat's fault because she broke my basement window.  I blame it on the cat.  I could blame in on the rain but I am sticking with the cat.


The basement is unfinished and gross.  I got most of the hard part done. Excuse me.. I got most of the hard part "finished." ( My teacher, Ms. Faherty always said "Cookies are done , People are finished".) I have a refrigerator down there that I got from my wonderful aunt when she moved.  I know that mine is going to break soon so it's nice to have a back up.  Now if I didn't have a back up , my fridge would have broken two years ago.  The metal shelf holder thing for the fridge is on the floor.  I have moved it out of my way several times.

Two nights ago, the house felt cold.  I went down the basement figuring that the plywood ( from Stranger Cat breaking my basement window) had fallen and the cold air was swiftly moving in.  I was right (I need to get glue that adheres metal to wood so this no longer happens). So it's really dark down there and the light for the basement has to be turned on from the other end of the basement.

I walk down, in the dark (the light from the kitchen was on but I still couldn't see). I get to the bottom step and it is COLD . I stepped right into water.  Flooded .. again. Since my cousin  fixed the sump pump (thank you again) I haven't had too many issues so I wasn't expecting that but because of the amount of rain (and high winds that knocked that board out) it flooded. Not just a little flood, a big one.  Two days later, the sump pump and my mom's borrowed pool pump are still pumping out the water (almost finished though).  So I roll up my pants and turn on the light and wade my way over to the window (the window is on the uncleaned end along with the fridge). I still can't see too well but I see the metal shelf holder thingy and move it (again) out of my way.  I put the wood back on the window and try to use tape to secure it.  Ok done. Now I will make my way over to the sump pump to see if it's working. Not the end of the world.

As I start to walk, I step on the metal shelf thingy. Then I trip and fall. In my cement basement, in about 6 inches of water. It all happened really fast BUT what I do remember is that the metal shelf thingy was still in my foot , I was soaked and I crashed into the washer. I got up and cursed like a horny sailor and immediately took my clothes off. I hit my knee and it hurt.  I tossed the metal thingy out of my way and limped (naked) up the stairs and got changed. My knee hurt for a few minutes then I forgot about it.

Knee bruise. Actually right under my knee bruise.

Then I realized that my back , my finger , my foot and my wrists all hurt. I looked at my foot and it was just throbbing.  Usually a piece of metal will do that to you. So naturally, I did what any adult who fell and got a boo boo does.  I texted my mommy to tell her I was about to die. She told me to soak my foot and I did.  But it still hurt like hell. I also texted my sisters because they needed to know that their clumsy sister was in pain.  My sister Kristi, who lives with me and was at work called me to tell me she was taking me to the hospital.  Nope not going.  By this point I was laying in bed sulking.

She did bring home some peroxide and gauze and I soaked my foot in that (she's nice sometimes). Then started to sleep. As I am about to drift away, I hear a loud bang. The plywood fell again. Really?? I was done. She went down and put it back up. My mom and both my sisters said I probably need a tetanus shot.  They were right. So I did go to the doctor yesterday. My foot still hurt and was all puffy.

I must have caught myself with my finger because I jammed it. I still can't really use it too much. I have chubby fingers but my finger looks like I stole it from the Marshmallow Man. No one should have a finger that looks like that.

Ok so now you have seen some body parts. Don't you feel better?  So I get up the next morning , go to my mom's and get her pool pump. I hurt, the basement looks like the Atlantic (lots of dirty water) and I am down there hooking up the pump and hose. Then I go to the doctor and they give me a tetanus shot and tell me I won't be able to lift my arm today. Well, that's just great. I was intending to do some chin ups today so I guess that's out of the question.  She pokes all over my achy foot and finger , I say OW about 10 times and she says I need xrays.  Now I figure nothing is broken because my bones are made of steel and I never break anything. But I don't have a choice.  They give me my shot, I ask for a lollipop and they laugh. Um that's not funny. I want my lollipop. I don't get one.  I go over and get the xrays and have about a half hour conversation with the checker inner lady about Christmas and how her grandson has issues with textures

(I can appreciate that , I am that way with food) and she buys him the same kind of jacket every year because it's soft and fluffy. She can't find one this year. So if anyone knows where you can buy the kind of fluffy, soft jacket that her 10 year old grandson likes, let me know. I will relay the info to Mrs. Checker Inner.  I go home to rest because I ache and  instead vaccuum and clean up because that's what resting means. They called this morning.  Nothing is broken (I knew that.. remember me? Steel Bones??) This is what my xray looked like:

Yes, I carry the gun at the doctors. If they are going to give me a shot, they are getting one too.

So far the arm isn't too bad but I am waiting. They called this morning. Nothing is broken I just have muscle tear in my foot and my finger is jammed. I have tissue swelling blah blah blah and was told that those things will take longer to heal than if I had broken something. Merry Christmas to you too. If I had a video of that fall and the cursing episode that followed I would have my 15 minutes of fame on You Tube. But I don't.

Gotta go. The Price is Right is on. Have a Happy Friday!

Day 3

Ok yesterday was drama free. I finished the kitchen. That only took me 2 1/2 days and the kitchen isn't even too big.  I also got my bedroom done.  I didn't have that on my "
list of things to do" but it needed to be done. So I did it, then wrote it on the list and crossed it off :) I got the paint out again and painted my bedroom and closet door ( and the hallway door) . I also did the door in the kitchen for the basement.  I wiped walls, cleaned under the bed etc... My room  is pretty clean but it just needed a "winter" cleaning. 

I am almost finished... I have the basement left . I started weeks ago and then never finished.  It's unfinished and gross and I don't go down there and really clean it  but it needs to be de " linted". The dryer is down there and the wires needs to be cleaned off .. etc.  Not a fun job but I will get it done.

The biggest drama yesterday was Tommy's gas.  I don't know what he ate but we all suffered the consequences!!
Today , I am off to my grandmother's to put up her decorations!!! Fa la la la la

Day 2 of vacation: The Stranger Cat Saga continues

Day 2 is complete. Yesterday I had a bit of A.D.D and found it difficult to focus. I got a call in the morning about a good sale (that was only running yesterday) on a gift for my nephew so I drove up to Toys R Us and got it . I came back and the Price is Right was starting so that was how I spent the next hour.

I did work on the kitchen. I cleaned out the inside of the refrigerator, I cleaned the oven (and inhaled the fumes of the Oven Cleaner spray , looked at the back and saw that it was really NOT a good thing, coughed and gasped for breath for about 5 minutes, drank some water and all was well).  I cleaned the stove top.  I took the burners off and the drip pans.  I knew the drip pans weren't in good shape but pulling the last one out and having it crumble in my hands reconfirmed it.

The piece on the side of the oven that holds the handle to open the door is a little loose. Most times when you go to open the oven the handle comes off ( it's an older oven, just like the fridge) so I decided to crazy glue it. Sounded like a good idea until I crazy glued 3 of my fingers on one hand and 2 on the other together. It was a good 15 seconds before I got them apart.  May not sound like a long time but you think that you are about to become a 7 fingered girl because you can't get them apart it's disturbing. I put the crazy glue away.

 I cleaned out the last cabinet under the sink and I used  Murphy's Oil on the outside of the cabinets.  The kitchen is almost finished.

 Then I went out shopping.  I got another present (2 presents is wayyyy ahead of where I usually am with my Christmas shopping at this point). I got new drip pans as well.

We stopped on the way home and got sandwiches because at this point ( about 9 p.m) I realized that I was starving since I barely ate between early shopping, cleaning, pacing because I had A.D.D then shopping again. So I ate , watched T.V and went to bed. This is GREAT for my diet.

At about 2:20 a.m.  I hear it.  The sound of cats trying to murder each other. I opened my eyes and laid there for about 30 seconds before my sister comes in and says "Stranger Cat is back."  I was really hoping that my two cats just got in a really bad argument about who got the "good" spot on the couch and were having a moment. So she asked if she should just close her door to the basement since she was down there.  I said "No just let her back outside" knowing that the basement door shuts but it doesn't  latch shut right so it can easily be pushed open ( yes my house has some issues).

Then I had some second thoughts because I knew it was probably a little cold outside. Now I know that this cat has a home and I know that her owner let's her out to roam around. When I find out who this person is, we are going to have a little talk. Anyway, I get up and go down the basement and see my sister with the window in her hand and glass all over the ground.  The window sits funny down there ( more issues) and she managed to push it open to get in.  In the process, the window hit the basement floor and broke. There is a big ass hole in the screen.  She said that Stranger Cat must have jumped back out because she wasn't down there.  She proceeds to go back to bed and now I have to figure out how to temporarily fix this, unassisted, at a stupid hour in the morning. I found duct tape but the duct tape was not cooperating and it was ripping of all uneven. After about 5 minutes of trying ,I gave up.  I found different tape and started to ghetto rig the hole in the screen. As I am doing this, standing on a step stool, waiting for her to come back and try to get in, she jumps from behind me and goes right back out the window. She scared the hell out of me, because I thought she had already left and I almost fell off the stool. I call her a bitch. I finish taping the screen. I then put a big box against the window, just in case. Now I have a ghetto screen, no window ,a new project on my hands and a bad attitude. Stranger Cat has a new name " I am beginning to not like you Cat."

At 3:10 a.m I went back to bed.  I woke up this morning at 7.   I am tired, my back hurts and am not in the mood.  So I decide to go to WaWa and get a low fat Vanilla Cappuccino.  It will make my mouth happy and wake me up so I can get all this stuff done so that it's out of the way and I can enjoy the rest of my 25 days of vacation.  I pull into WaWa.  It looks a little crowded but I got a front spot. Sweet.  I open the door and the amount of people in there had to far exceed the fire laws for maximum person limitations.  They were everywhere. People who looked like me- sloppy and half awake, people dressed like they are going to a formal affair (you know the ones that get all dressed up from work because they think they look hot but look like the cover of a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog) and about 500,000 construction worker dudes with their fluorescent smock things on. I had to fight to get a cup. It was stupid and I will not do that again.

So now I will start day 3 and try to get the kitchen finished BEFORE Price is Right even comes on. Next is my bedroom... We will see what the day brings.

Vacation is great..........

Day one of my 27 day Vacation....

So I have racked a bunch of vacation time at work and if I don't use it by the end of the year, I lose it.  I lost about 3 weeks last year and this year I decided that I wouldn't let that ever happen again! This is the slowest month of the year at my job so I took my days. 

My vacation started yesterday and I am off through Christmas.  I go back on the 26th. What am I going to do with my time  you ask? I have no freakin idea. This week I am working on getting my house cleaned, including closets ,cabinets etc. I got started before my vacation started.  I sanded and painted the window in the bathroom (which really need it because the geniouses who built the house put a window in the shower..they were rocket scientists.) The window sill gets all nasty so it's a constant battle to avoid issues.) I cleaned out the linen closet, I started on the unfinished basement (I am procrastinating finishing it because I hate down there), I cleaned the living room (very thoroughly) and I started cleaning out the kitchen cabinets.

So yesterday I decided I would work on the kitchen.  I did start  last week (as stated above) and cleaned out some of the cabinets so I figured maybe a couple hours ( I am very anal and it takes awhile to do it RIGHT) and I would move onto my bedroom.

Well, I got a late start because the Price is Right was on. Clean kitchen...watch Price is Right? Duh  . Drew Carey won. But at 12:00 I did go into the kitchen.  The windows are wood (and painted) and the sills and bits of the window paint were peeling, so I decided I would scrape, sand and paint.. So I did.. then I cleaned the windows, then I painted. Took much longer than I thought.  I decided to paint the back door also. Then I moved on.  I washed down the refrigerator. The fridge works great but it's old.  It was here when I bought the house 8 years ago and was already there for awhile.  There were brown spots ( some big , some small) almost like rust spots all over it. No matter how much or how often I clean it,  they aren't going away.  Then I came up with an idea.  I had the paint out so I painted it ...( this is after I had already put all the magnets back up and placed then strategically to cover the brown spots). Looks MUCH better!!! Then I decided that I might as well put up some Christmas decorations ( for the kitchen) while I was at it.  You get my point.  I was in that kitchen from 12-7:30 and I am still not finished.. I will finish today...and hopefully start on my room.

That is once the Price is Right is over!!

A Stranger in the Night

So I was house/dog sitting for my sister. I was laying in bed watching T.V. and kept hearing a noise that sounded like the faint sound of a car door. I knew it wasn't a car door but every time I heard it and hit mute on the T.V. it would stop. After about the10th time muting the T.V I heard it. It was coming from inside the room but I didn't know what it was. Being in a strange place, I got a little freaked BUT I got up and figured out what it was. It was just one of doors shaking a little from the wind. All was well and I went back to my show and eventually to sleep.


The dog sleeps on the bed and she is quite snuggly. However, the bed sits high. Too high for her to jump up on so you have to lift her on the bed. She can get down just fine. At 3:30 a.m I hear her jump off the bed and start to growl a little. Well not really a growl but not a bark either.. let's call it a grark. So she is grarking at me to get up. It's very dark and I am not too pleased but I know that if I had to pee (and was a dog) and no one let me out I would not be a happy dogger. So I get up. She takes off and runs downstairs. I follow.


I am now downstairs (still in the dark) in the hallway by the light switch that I haven't yet turned on. I look out the doors from the kitchen and I see someone standing on the back patio. I pee a little. I just stared for a minute thinking that I am going to die. My heart is beating out of my chest and I have no idea how to proceed. Do I run and hit the alarm button for the cops to come?? Where is the closest alarm ??? Do I go to the front door and run outside?? If I do, will they catch me?? Will the dog follow me or stay and grark? Wait she isn't grarking??? I can't leave the dog there. This is all in a matter of about 10 seconds as I am staring straight into the face of the dark killer outside,our only seperation a glass door.

So I duck into the powder room that was right next to me. I peek my head out again and he is gone. OH SHIT.. where did he go? I step back out into the hall and there he is AGAIN!!! OH SHIT!!!.. Oh wait.. that's my reflection in the glass. The killer was my shadow. Duh.


So I let the dog out to pee. I am relieved that I am the killer but ready to go back upstairs and cover myself with blankets ( because blankets will prevent an intruder from being able to find you) and try to get back to sleep. The dog seems to think it's time to stroll and play in the yard and won't come in. ( I should have put her on a leash so it was a quick pee but I was freaked out and had no intention of stepping out that door).


I had to go out because she wasn't coming in, it was now 3:40 and I can't start screaming her name . So very hesitantly, I go outside and whisper-yell her name. She looks at me and runs to the front of the house. I walk to the front of the house and whisper-yell her name again. She grarks and runs away. After circling the house several times she has had her fun and finally comes inside.


Upstairs, I pick her back up and put her on the bed , close my eyes and start to go back to sleep. Then I hear her grark and jump off the bed again. I know she doesn't have to go pee and I know that I am the killer but everything scares me now. She comes back to the bed and grarks for me to put her back on the bed. We do this twice more. She is now tired and goes right to sleep.

Me...not so much.

I couldn't make this up!!

I was laying in bed yesterday morning at about 6:00 a.m trying to wake up to get ready for work. I was still half asleep when I heard the most ridiculous noise one should ever hear at 6 a.m. My two cats fighting.  They play and sometimes they get a little too into it and they chase each other around the house like lunatics. That is what I heard BUT it was a very disturbing fighting that seemed to be going on. I heard them FLYING down the stairs and before I know it they both jumped on my bed scooted across my face and ran back out.  Then I heard the picture frame on the end table in the living room fall over.  Both my sister and I got up real quick (she was asleep on the couch) and were like WTF?? They took off and it all stopped. I got up, saw Tippy, told him to knock it off (or did I???). I took a shower and went to work (my sister did the same shortly thereafter.)

My cats are Tippy and Vinca.  Vinca is tiny.  She is all gray and she took off so fast I didn't see her.This is Tippy (Exhibit A)

So I come home from work (in the snow) and get stuck in the driveway. I had to get the shovel and clear the driveway to get in.  It's October I find this annoying. Then my sister and I decide we are going to watch some movies.  We go to redbox and get a scary movie and a chaser non scary movie so we can still sleep at night.  We watch the scary movie get freaked out and watch our chaser to calm down. We are laying in the living room, it's dark except for the tv and the cats are just walking around like normal.

 At one point. my sister goes into my nephew's room ( he wasn't there) and as she comes out, I scream and scare the ever lovin shit out of her.  I was quite amused.  I think she peed a little.

Halfway through our non scary movie (The Lincoln Lawyer) just as we both are about to fall asleep, we hear it again. It sounds like a herd of buffalo coming down the steps, loud meows, the sounds of the end of the world.  My sister says "See that's not normal, why are they doing that??"  I say " I don't know they are fighting but it does sound a little nuts."  I get up and walk into my bedroom where they seem to be having a "Who Can Make the Most Obnoxious Scary Cat Noise Contest."

It's still dark and I am still a little freaked out from the scary movie and I turn on the light. I think " Oh Shit" then walk back to the living room and very calmly say " Yea ummm one of those cats doesn't belong. I don't know where it came from". She gets up and we are both like UMMMMM what now??? The two cats like just like each other.

Tippy runs into the bathroom, my sister shuts her in there.  I close Stranger Cat in my room so they don't kill each other and then the search for Vinca begins. We call her and call her ..she doesn't answer (and yes she does answer when I call her name, both of my cats do). We search the whole house knowing that she is probably freaking out and isn't going to come out of hiding.  I open my room and check about 5 times. Nothing.  I knew she wouldn't be in there calmly while Stranger cat is in there. Then we go outside. Vinca will run out if the door is open but I don't let her out.   I always grab her and bring her right in.  If she got out, I have no idea where she could be or how long she was out there. 

Me and my sister spend about five minutes trying to figure out how Stranger cat could have gotten in and how Vinca got out. Vinca got out once before and she was across the street behind my neighbors trash can on the side of their house.  I go that way and look. Nothing.. It is 10:00 at night and we are trying to call her without waking up the neighborhood.  I knocked on my neighbors door to let them know that if they see footprints on the side of their house, it's not a robber it was me.  My tracks are all over in the snow. The lady next door to them has a cat so she calls her to see if her cat is missing. She says " Erica is here she is wondering if you are mising your cat.  She may have yours and thinks you might have hers." Yea UMMM  I never said that.  I really don't think that the cat's emailed each other and said " Hey let's play a joke,  you come here and I will go to your house.". Anyway, her cat wasn't missing. We did discover that one of the basement windows was slightly cracked and while it would have been a little tricky Stranger Cat could have gotten in.   After about a half hour we went back inside.

My instinct says that Vinca is inside the whole time and I go in my room for the 50th time and she is in the corner behind furniture looking at me like " You better get this bitch outta here."  Stranger cat was just chillin on my bed.

Exhibit B: Stranger Cat

While Stranger Cat (we were trying to come up with a name but by the looks of it this cat belongs to someone and isn't just a stray so I am guessing she has a name). While Stranger Cat is not nearly as fat as Tippy, they look alot alike.  You can't see if here but  both their paws are white and their striping is very similiar.  I think Stranger Cat pounced on my face in the morning and I had no idea it wasn't my cat. She must have been in the house all day.


So I have 3 cats in my house.  Stranger cat is upstairs.  We put her in my sister's room (with the door closed) and put litter (which she used), food and water up there for her.

My sister called the SPCA last night when I went back outside ( before we found Vinca)  and the lady answered the phone by saying "What do you want?"  Really???? My sister said " Hello??"  Lady ( I use the term lightly) again says " Yea what do you want??" My sister proceeds to tell her that our cat is missing and another cat is in the house and we aren't sure what to do." The lady says something along the lines of " Don't you know what's going on out there, people don't have electricity." Yea because electricity has EVERYTHING to do with my missing cat and Stranger Cat  as does the SPCA. My sister at one point, while I was standing there said " You don't have to be so rude we are just worried about our cat if it's out there in this weather," I could hear the lady talking trying to be a little nicer but who does that??

Anyway,  we can bring it to a shelter today but first I am going to try to see if I can find out who is missing a cat!!!!! It's gonna be a long day.

Boo

Let's talk about Halloween.  I have been in my house for 8 years and every year I follow the same routine for Halloween. My cousin (who now has a little girl.. cutest thing ever so she won't be there..waa) and my mom come over (she doesn't get any kids) and we sit on the front porch and hand out candy.  I get a good amount of kids. The past 2 years I have gotten less kids than years before.  I always wondered where they all come from because my neighborhood is mostly old people. However, last week I was driving into my neighborhood and had to stop for the school bus in front of me. I was shocked.  There were at least 20 kids that got off at that stop. I see a few kids here and there when I walk or ride my bike but had no idea that there were as many kids as there were that piled out of that bus. I also think that the kids from the apartments about a half mile away come up this way as well. But there is always a pattern as I am sure there is in most neighborhoods.

Now you need to know that when they walk down the sidewalk, each of our houses have a few steps up and there is a sidewalk (path) up to my house.  There are another 4 steps that lead up to my door.  We sit on those steps so the kids don't have to climb up those too. The front yard is a tiny little " hill, The lawn isn't completely flat.

Here is the way the conversations go. First is the real conversation, then the conversation (or thoughts in my head) after they walk way.

Children 4 and under:

Me: " How cute are you??? Take what you want. Happy Halloween! Be careful going down the steps."
After:" Aw how cute was she/he?"

Children 5-8:
Me: : Who are you supposed to be?  You look great! Take what you want. Happy Halloween! Be careful going down the steps."
After: " Isn't that age fun? You get so much candy and can trade with your friends."

Children 9-13:
Me: " Hello there (insert name of apparent video game character here). You can take 2! Happy Halloween. Be careful going down"
After:  "Now why do they ignore the path they just walked up and walk down on the grass ? And why do I have to tell them to take 2 ?  Because the last group took 5 each and I am going to run out of candy. They are lucky they are still kind of cute."

Children 14-17:
Me: " Happy Halloween"
After: " Ya know they could at least speak. They walk up here with no costume on, with a little fake blood on their face pretending to be something asking for candy. Aren't they too old for this?? I am turning out the light."

A Trip To The Dollar Store Can Be Priceless

I went into the dollar store last week to pick up a few little things.  The dollar store by my house is awesome. They have a wall of gift bags to die for. Anyway, apparently it was National " It is 3:40 on a Tuesday so everyone in a 5 miles radius go at the same time " Day.  It was packed.  I was looking around wondering why it was so crowded .  I was looking for sale signs thinking there was a big sale then I realized that I was in the dollar store.  Nothing is more than a dollar to begin with.  I have no idea why the whole world was there but they were.  I only had two things in my hand and got to the line.  I was about to put my stuff back because there was only one cashier and the line was stupid long. Then I decided that I really have nowhere to be and that I would wait.

I have no patience.  I HATE shopping and I hate standing in line even more. Because I always always always get in the wrong line.  The person ahead of me needs a price check or has 4,000 coupons and needs to make sure that each one goes through and questions every beep on the register. Never fails.  Being as there was only ONE register open, I couldn't be in the "wrong" line anyway. 

So I am watching all the people in front of me (because there wasn't anything else to do) and observing what they were buying. Mostly all the normal stuff that people buy in a dollar store.  One girl who looked about 16 bought like 15 things of hand soap and pulled out this huge WAD of money then decided to use a credit (maybe a debit) card. OK you are a child, you are in the dollar store and you have a wad of money in your hand. Just use the cash. It took her 5 minutes to pull the card out of her back pocket because her jeans were glued to her ass. I am guessing she's a hooker.  Why else would you buy 15 things of hand soap with a wad of money in your hand?  She was being a show off. Who isn't a show off in the dollar store?? Anyway, then there was the man who bought 5 things of some meaty thing and toilet paper.  Looked like lebanon bologna but I don't think that's what it was . Gross. I have nothing against the dollar store but I find that a package of like 10 pieces of meat that is a dollar would have bad results.  I guess that's why he had the toilet paper.

As I get closer to the end of my 5 hour wait ( it was really about 5 minutes )  I focus on the conversation being had behind me by a boy and a girl..I hadn't yet seen them at this point but they were about 15. This is what I hear:

Boy: "See that thing?" (referring to the pregnancy tests hanging there)
Girl: " Yea?"
Boy: " Whatsherface (I forget the name he said) took one of them that she bought here."
Girl: " OMG no way"
Boy: : "Yea (slight giggle) it came out positive . They don't work." ( at which point I casually turned my head to look.)
Girl:" So she's not pregnant???"
Boy: " No she didn't even have sex but it came back positive"
Girl: " Oh wow... I really want an energy drink".

Ok so Whatsherface went into the dollar store and bought a pregnancy test .  I get that maybe buying one there may NOT be the most reliable way to go BUT do neither of you wonder WHY she is buying a pregnancy test if she hasn't had sex?

I kept my mouth shut because it was now my turn at the register.  They will figure it out once they have their energy drinks.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

I am NOT a fan of frogs or turtles. My nephew keeps saying he wants a turtle. I'm scared. My reasons are as follows:

Frogs: are slimy. Many years ago when I was in grade school my older sister ( who was in high school) came home with a "present" for me. It was wrapped in a paper towel. I was standing in my parent's bedroom ( no carpet.. hardwood floor). She gave it to me all proud that she had a gift. I hesitated ( because it was wrapped in a paper towel). She told me to open it. I did. I had no idea what it was . She told me to smell it. I picked it up and slowly attempted to smell it at which point I knew something wasn't right. Then she tells me they dissected a frog at school and it was one of it's legs. I screamed at the top of my lungs , dropped it, turned green and started to run. I had on socks and slid all over the floor. I ran, still screaming into my bedroom, slammed the door and screamed some more. She was standing outside the door laughing her ass off . I knew that thing was still with her so I didn't open the door for many hours. I don't remember but I hope she got in trouble. She still thinks it's funny.

Turtles: I was babysitting my cousins one day. I was probably not much older than from the story above. My cousin found a turtle in the back yard and ran over to show me. I backed up a little because I wasn't sure what he had and didn't want to touch it. Naturally, he took that as an opportunity to freak me out. He must have chased me around the outside of the house 10 times laughing his little head off before I finally got inside. I wouldn't let him come in until I knew that the turtle was left outside.

These traumatic experiences have created a strong dislike for these creatures. If a turtle enters this house, I am going to have to set some rules or get a restraining order that forbids the turtle to come within 50 feet of me.


Check it out to the top right! We got groupons. Check them out here daily!

It's a bumpy ride.....

When I was younger, I loved amusement park rides. I couldn't wait to get on the ride and as soon as I got off I wanted to get on again. Especially roller coasters. No ride was off limits. As I started to get a little older the only thing that scared me was the ferris wheel. I stopped riding them. They rock all over the place and there really isn't much keeping you inside. Lately, you hear about a lot of accidents and a lot tend to involve ferris wheels. Never again will I get on one. My palms are getting sweaty just thinking about it.

All other rides were still fine and I enjoyed going on them. There was a period of several years that I wasn't on any rides. Simply because most 30ish year olds don't call each other and say hey let's go to Great Adventure. Then the kids started arriving. As they started to get a little older , they could go on rides. The rides were the little trains, cars and animal shaped rides that went about 1 mph. It was fun to watch them on there so happy and I looked forward to the day when they reached the "line" and could go on big people rides.

Then it happened. A few years ago my family went to Disney World. I had two objectives. First was to get on as many rides as I could because I hadn't done it in years and second was to eat Mickey Bars ( I never ate them).

So we are in Disney with three kids. I have been there many times but not in the previous 4-5 years and never with the kids ( not my kids , my nephews and niece). They are old and tall enough for the "medium" rides but not tall enough for most of the bigger rides. A little disappointed but at least I get on some rides. The adults would also get a chance to get on some big rides as well.

So we get in line for Thunder Mountain. Ya know, just a regular coaster but nothing crazy. So we are all in the car and I start freaking out ( internally of course). Are the kids strapped in ok?? I am worried that they are going to fall out. The whole ride I have my arm wrapped across my niece because my arm will act as steel and keep her in place on a coaster going many mph should there be a malfunction. I hated every second of that ride. Then we got on it again. The second time was worse because now we have doubled out chances of death. This went on for a week on every ride.

The adults went to Aerosmith's Rockin Roller Coaster. I was scared to death. Normally when you are waiting in line, you are anxious to get there. The line couldn't have been long enough. Of course I am not going to say anything because then I look crazy. But I think I peed a little. Most people scream on rides because they are having fun and excited. I was screaming because I was experiencing my last moments on earth over and over again. I continued to go on them in hopes that I was just not used to doing it for awhile and that just one time I would get on a ride and not be scared. I just didn't know that that ride would be It's a Small World. I conquered that bitch without a problem.

Weird thing it that when I got off the rides, I was ok. I wasn't so terrified about getting on another one until the next one came along.

Last weekend, I was in Ocean City for the MS City to Shore ride. I did the ride on Saturday ( with my sister and brother in law and the other members of our team). On Sunday, the boys went to the ocean and we took my niece to the boards because she wanted to go on some rides. Didn't really think twice about it because I has no idea that I would be the one volunteered to go on them with her.

I handled it amazingly. First we went on the Pirate Ship. It was a chilly weekend and it wasn't crowded...at all. We were the only one on the ship. Of course she wanted to sit in the very back. This ride tickles my cooch like nobody's business... well I guess I just made it your business. I was only slightly paranoid that she would fall out.. I checked the bar 10 times then I was ok. We went on a coaster and few other rides . None of which were anything scary. I think if I still with boardwalk rides and avoid amusement parks, I will be able to continue to ride.

I fear I may become the one sitting in the bench all the time, bored and waiting for everyone to get off the ride. I am not ready for that. But if that does happen and I am in Disney, I will be sitting on that bench with a Mickey bar.

It ain't easy being me.

Eat More Chicken

Everyone always says how kids today look so much younger than years ago. I do agree that for the most part it's true. A lot of girls look about 10 years older than they are. They dress older, wear more makeup and just seem to grow up too fast. Boys are 9 feet tall and built much more "healthy" than was I was young. I remember all the boys being lanky at that age. Rumor has it that it is the hormones in chicken these days making the boobies and facial hair grow at an early age. When I was younger , I must have been the only one to eat chicken with hormones in it. By the time we had our movie on a girl's menstrual cycle and how it works in grade school I had already had mine for like a year. Everyone giggled and was grossed out. I was bored and already over it.

The point is that this isn't always the case. I pulled into WaWa the other day. I had my mom with me and I waited in the car while she ran in. While I was waiting I noticed an SUV next to me with the music on. I looked over and saw this CHILD sitting in the driver's seat. He didn't look older that 12. It was ridiculous. So naturally I was staring like WTF?? I couldn't take my eyes off of him because I couldn't figure out if he was driving and just looked stupid young or if he hopped in the seat when his mommy went inside. Every once in awhile he looked over (because I was eye stalking him) and I would look away real quick. Then I saw it. He was smoking a cigarette. It looked every kind of wrong. He was holding it like it was a joint because he was cool like that. I just stared at him for what seemed like an hour before my mom came out. All the while knowing that I HATE when people stare at other people. It's one thing to glance but it's just rude to stare. I had no control over my eye stalking.

Then he drove away. There is either a child somewhere out there smoking and driving around in a silver SUV or there is a teenage boy out there that needs to start eating chicken.

Read with "Caution"

Since I have been training for The MS City to Ride shore this week ( link to the right) I have been noticing things that really get on my nerves. There are two different kinds of drivers. The first kind are those who are extremely cautious of walkers, runners ,bikers etc. The other is (obviously) those who will run you over if you are in the way.

Let's talk about the cautious ones. It's really nice that you are making sure you don't hit me while I am on my bike. I understand your consideration. If I ever fall off my bike, I can only hope that it's you that is driving past me because chances are pretty slim that you are going to run my head over. That being said, it is NOT necessary that you remain 20 feet behind me and follow me down the road. Pass me. I am right next to the curb therefore you have all the room on the road. When you ride behind me like that I feel like you are stalking me and I am waiting for you to ask me if I want any candy. I will probably say yes because I love candy (if you are a little kid..never answer a stranger like that and get off the internet you should not be reading this). But since no one has offered yet, just keeping driving. I am nowhere NEAR being in your way. You may be more likely to hit me when I fall because I am checking behind me every 5 seconds waiting for you to pass.


Now for the the inconsiderate ones. If you drive the way you are supposed to, you wouldn't have to worry about anyone else who may be exercising near you. If the lady that flew around the corner onto a tiny little street at about 70 mph is reading this, I was barely moving because I was being cautious. I am aware of the trees that may block a drivers view of me so I was waiting. Not only was I waiting, I was waiting to cross the street onto the sidewalk to avoid the issue that you almost created. So next time you give someone who is doing the RIGHT thing a dirty look or even better, next time you do that and run someone over because you thought you were in a episode of Knight Rider, I hope you shit your pants and your car smells like poop forever.

Now let's talk about people walking in parking lots. Ok I know that cars are supposed to yield to pedestrians. But come on. I was at Walmart the other day and I sat there and waited about 5 minutes before I could go because apparently they were giving away free samples of crack .The amount of people coming of out that store was ridiculous. No one even looks anymore. They just walk and figure the car will wait for them. You are SUPPOSED to watch for cars. They walk 5 people wide in the middle of a parking lot. When they DO finally notice that a car is beyond them they look surprised (of course they do it is very surprising to see a CAR in a parking lot). But they don't move. They just keep walking. People have no consideration.

After having said all this, I will reveal something that I did about 6 months ago. I was leaving a parking lot and me car was parked between two big trucks. As I walked to my car there wasn't a soul in site. I get in my car and start it (which obviously makes noise). Because I can't see too well with the trucks sticking out further than my car was I looked the best I could and very slowly started to back up (by very slowly I mean I was barely moving). First I hear it in my rear view mirror. Then I see it. What is IT you ask? It is the little Chinese lady that was walking past my car that I hit. Oops. Well I didn't really hit her she seemed to have walked into my car because I wasn't even out of the spot yet. I was just getting ready to turn the wheel. Now if I walking and heard a car start I would know that in about 10 seconds a car is going to pull out. She couldn't see me I know this because the trucks were blocking me but she had to hear me. Luckily, I was aware that I may not been seen and she just bounced a little.HAHA So I put down my window and say I am sorry and ask if she is ok but she just kept on walking like it didn't even phase her. Maybe she was deaf??? Ok then. So I start to back out again after getting over the initial shock that I just had a little bobblehead in my rear view. I knew she wasn't hurt because I wasn't really moving and she just shook it off and went on her way. However, her husband was standing at the car, which was about 200 feet away just looking at me. Dude, if she IS deaf you should be with her and if she isn't you should still be with her to help her with the bags.

So the moral of the story is be cautious but not overly cautious and try not to hit poor little Chinese ladies.

God Bless The U.S.A

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray to God for those who weep.


We sat and stared in morbid fear
We watched the Towers begin to sear.

Ten years have passed since that fateful day
When all the world knelt down to pray.


No day goes by that we forget
The souls of those we never met.


To our heroes who stand so proud and tall
Peace to all whose name grace each wall.


A moment of silence with no words to say
God Bless you all and the U.S.A.






-Erica Gordon

I have a "Situation"

I think I need to start utilizing my brain a little more frequently. I had a dream the other night (the kind of dream that seems to last for hours- Yes I know they don't really last forever for those who like to correct everything people say).

In my dream, I was asked to be on Jersey Shore. So I went and was shooting in this little cramped house. I was excited to be on the show but I needed to be sure that people remembered me because I was new to the cast and was worried that I wouldn't be a "hit". I tried to not create big issues but it was easy for me to fit in with everyone. Me and Snooki were sitting on a bed talking and she was texting. She was texting into a small pillow (that fit in her hand). She was sewing the words into the pillow with her fingernails ( not with needles but thread was coming out of her fingers- She must be Spidey-Snooki) and that's how she was sending her texts .

Oh Yeah! I need a hobby-Yeah!

Nice try Asshole

A few weeks ago I was going through my emails. I came across an email about a part time position ( which I had put some feelers out about part time work) . The subject was Customer Evaluator. Most of the time I delete these emails because they are crocks but I read it. It was from a company ( whose name I will not say). It was a mystery shopper thing and I was skeptical. So I went to the actual site and did some google searches to see if it was a scam. The company was real. So I emailed back to the man who sent the email, Michael Hall, who was the Director of Human Resources and said I would be interested to hear more.

He replied the next day saying that since I am new to their company only one business was interested to start then we would go from there. Ok fine. The company was Western Union. He said that once he had the package ready he would let me know and we could proceed. I asked what it entailed and didn't get a quick response. Whatever. About a week later, Mr. Hall emails me saying that it was approved and my package was being sent out. Now all I know is that I am supposed to be surveying a local Western Union office. I still have no idea what the hell this means. The end of the email says :" Hope to read from you soonest. God Bless." I find this odd.
I reply and simply say OK.

I get an email on Tuesday saying that the package was mailed and it included a tracking number. He asked that I email him when I receive the package.Again, his email ended with "Hope to read from you soonest. God Bless". I reply and say that I will.

I get home from work yesterday and the envelope is in the mail. I open it and there is a Cashiers Check for $1900.28 and a letter. Um ok?? The letter tells me that I need to go to the bank ( it had to be MY bank) and to cash the check. I keep 10% for the job and the rest I have to Western Union to two people...two people in the Philippines. It says that I need to do it within 24 hours in order for me to keep the 10% and gives me instructions on how to " mystery shop" the Western union office. Now as soon as I saw the Cashiers Check I knew it was a scam. Who the hell in their right mind would send $1900 ( don't forget the 28 cents) to some chick from online. The end of the letter said "God bless." The letterhead is from a Consulting Group and signed by a woman with PhD. at the end of her name. Yea ok Doc.The spelling and grammar was a nightmare. There is a telephone number listed that contains 9 digits. Apparently she is a
"doctor" because she wasn't good at science. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that phones numbers are NOT 9 digits long. However, the number is listed again at the bottom of the letterhead with the correct amount of digits. Naturally I call and the "magic jack" number can not be reached.

So now I am thinking about how dumb I am to even say ok but it was a legit company. A legit company that had some assholes using bogus emails with their name. I check my email and I have a message from Michael Hall asking if I received the package. I am not sure how I want to proceed with this shitface so I reply "yes". I then called the police department and ask what I should do with it. They tell me that they can come out or I can just shred it and that I am the fourth person to call them about this in the last week. Of course I just shred it because that is a big waste of taxpayer money for them to come out. I get another email giving me instructions on how to proceed. SOOOOOO I respond.. Here it is:

I have some "instructions" for you. First of all " I hope to read from you soonest" makes NO sense. I am not a book, therefore you do not read from me. Soonest???? Realllyyy??? Obviously, your English "Michael Hall" leaves a bit to be desired. Second of all, a director of Human Resources would know better than the say "God Bless" on his emails. Maybe I am an atheist and am offended. Business emails and letters should not contain religious statements. Oh and when trying to scam someone by sending them fraudulent checks you might want to take some grammar courses first. But not to worry, I have passed the package onto the proper authorities. I do hope that you eventually end up in jail with a man named Bubba who will gladly show you with HIS "package" where I think you can shove your "cashiers check".

May God bless and I hope to read from you soonest!!

Firecracker Firecracker BOOM BOOM BOOM...

When I was younger (the age of 5 to 15) I was a cheerleader. I cheered for my local township and we were the shit. We competed in an annual state competition (I think from age 10 and up??).You had to try out and make the team. There was the Junior and Senior teams. You could try out for cheerleading or halftime (dance) or both. You could make one or the other, both or neither. I always felt bad when someone didn't make anything. In addition to the group competition, there was also a category for Miss Cheerleader. A Miss Cheerleader was chosen from each the junior and senior squad by a vote from her peers and would compete with an individual cheer against all other Miss Cheerleaders from the other squads ( I was both junior and senior Miss Cheerleader back in the day..pat pat). It was a big deal to be Miss Cheerleader. Since this story really has nothing to do with cheerleading , I will get more into my rah rah stories later.

Anyway, my older sister, Eve Marie, was Senior Miss Cheerleader while I was still on the junior squad. She was prepared and ready to go. Two days before the state competition we had a dress rehearsal. My cousin was also on the team and my aunt drove us home from rehearsal. It was December and there was a big snow storm. Ya know, the kind that brings back memories of walking two miles up hill both ways to school in the snow with holes in your shoes. That kind.

Now do you remember when you were little and you got yelled at for doing perfectly logical things and your parents were just constantly up your ass? Like the things you hear yourself say and puke a little in your mouth because you just reminded yourself of them.. Go BRUSH YOUR TEETH, GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS, DON'T YOU DARRRREEEEEEEEEEE WIPE THAT BOOGER ON YOUR SHIRT, GO GET A TISSUE! You get the gist. We had a front porch (well it's still there) but there are bushes in front of it and some garden in between. We always got yelled at for running across the lawn and through the bushes to get to the porch. Made sense to us because otherwise you have to take the long route and walk up to the driveway and onto the porch. One would think that our parents would be grateful to see our precious little faces a little sooner when we jumped through the bushes. Apparently not because no matter where they were as soon as we got mid air all you heard was " STOP JUMPING THROUGH THE BUSHES!!" blah blah blah.

So on the night of dress rehearsal my aunt pulled up to the curb on the street. I got out and my sister got out. We waved goodbye. It was very slippery and she fell. BOOM..flat on her ass. At that exact moment the car slid. BOOM. It ran over her foot. No one's fault, the weather was ideal for a " let's wear saddles shoes and skirts and drive out on the roads" kind of night. So what do I do? I go to run and BOOM. I fall. I get up and run like hell.... slipping all over the lawn through the bushes to the front door opening and my dad yelling " DON"T RUN THROUGH THE BUSHES". So I think to myself " um do you not see all this snow, do you not know that my bloomers and short skirt are making me a little cold???" but I SAY " But Eve's foot just got run over with the car.". Out runs my dad.. and what route do you think he takes??? That's right ladies and gentleman. Poppa goes right through the bushes.

She went to the hospital. Luckily, it was just badly sprained with bruising and nothing was broken. But it hurt her like hell. She had to compete, in pain, with a brace in front of all of those people. When you were Miss Cheerleader , you have to include at least one gymnastic in your cheer. It was normally nothing too dramatic, we were cheerleaders not gymnasts so it was a round up or back handspring. You got the occasional show off who would flip through the air like an empty beer can. Because her foot was swollen and she was in so much pain. She did a cartwheel. The most PATHETIC cartwheel I have ever seen in my life. She won!!! I was so proud. She rocked it. (not the cartwheel but the rest of it).

I am still waiting for an apology for attempting to save my sister's life as quickly as possible by taking the faster route.

Here's the "situation"...

The Jersey Shore can best be described as a train wreck that you can't turn away from. It is stupid and whoever came up with the concept is a genius. If someone told me that I would be wrapped up in a show about a bunch of " guidos and guidettes" (who aren't even all Italian!) getting drunk, falling all over themselves,getting laid and fighting I would have told them to lay off the crack. If there wasn't such a controversy when the show first started about the stereotype of Italians, I don't even think the show would have taken off like it did. That was why I turned it on .. to see what the big deal was. But I watch it and so do 8 however million others. Well let me rephrase that... I start to watch it then fall asleep and watch it On Demand later. I would never be able to be a guidette. They go out at midnight (at which time I am already sound asleep and drooling on my pillow).


Season 4 in Italy starts tonight. This is my take on the cast:

Snookie: Her first appearance on the show was the most ridiculous thing I have ever watched. She went in loud as hell and started with the shots. Got stupid drunk, made a bad impression and looked like an ass. She redeemed herself quickly. She is young and has an innocence to her. I like her because she falls down alot and dances with indoor plants. That's good enough for me.

The Situation:: The nickname has been wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overused and I find it extremely annoying. The abs.. ok we get it. I am tired of looking at them. He is now 30 years old. It's time to grow up. Apparently ( according to Wikipedia) he has a girlfriend now. They just finished filming Season 5 a few days ago so we will see if this girlfriend had any affect on how he acted and what he did. His face isn't even attractive so his whole grenade theory is stupid. I have him on my facebook. It seems that he used to post his own comments and got ripped apart constantly for the spelling errors. I am guessing someone else does it now ( someone with spellcheck). I did at one point delete him because if I saw a picture of his abs or heard the word "situation" one more time I was going to poke my eyes out with a toothpick. I added him back though because I heard something on tv about something he said ( I forget what it was) and I wanted to see and he is still on there. All he does is try to promote his brother and offer free autographed photos to people who comment back. I am perfectly content with my signed Tony Orlando! picture thank you very much and that's... the situation.

Ronnie: Needs to control his temper. Maybe get some meds??? You can't rip apart a room and throw all of her stuff on the deck and tell her how much you hate her and want her gone then cry for a week because she left then get a little upset that she is back because you were starting to feel better.( I am aware that this sentence is ridiculously long). I like Ronnie aside from his psychotic behavior. Although I do tend to attract some crazies myself.

Vinny: Really? You left because you were homesick? Suck it up , look at your paycheck. You had another month (ish) to go. Someone must have told him to be a big boy though because he went back. I like you Vinny..stop being a baby.


Pauly D: I like him. He seems like a nice guy. I also think that he keeps his mouth shut most of the time to avoid the drama. He's a good looking dude but his hair is dumb.

JWoww: I didn't like her at first. She seemed like a bully. She was a bully. But I have grown to like her. I think she has a good head on her shoulders and is growing up much faster than some of her "roomies". She can be a little hard headed but she always comes around. It's nice to know that there is hope for hard headed people (yea I'm talking to YOU).

Sammi:: Sammi, Sammi,Sammi. Get over your insecurities. Once you believe you are worth something, your drama will end. Although if you do this, you're part on the show will seem minimal. You will need a new focus. Good luck with that.

Deena:: was pretty low key on her first season then got all testy because they were picking on her. I didn't think she got much attention at all. She was kind of just there. She needs to incorporate some drama if she wants to be remembered, i.e I almost forgot to even add her to this list).

So, who else is ready for Jersday???????

Boobs

Now that I have your attention:

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? There are so many things out there that most (I said most, I didn't say all) of us want but don't have. Did you say " Give me some examples?" Why I would be glad to.

(all examples are the opinion of me)

Example 1 : Straight/ Curly Hair

I have curly hair. Let me rephrase that. It's curly when I let it air dry which I never do unless I have no intention of seeing anyone outside of my household. The reason for this is because I look little orphan Annie. It is about 5 inches shorter than normal and I look like a child, a child that not even Daddy Warbucks would adopt. In the winter, I can usually successfully straighten it(as long as there is no rain). It looks nice like that. Some people tell me it looks nice curly. Well, in order for me to get it to look nice curly, I need to dry it , gel it, fix the curls with a curling iron and about 2 hours later it looks nice. But I don't like it curly so even when it looks "nice" I think it looks like ass. Everyone with straight hair wishes it was curly. Get over it. Straight is much easier, I assure you and getting adopted will be easier.

Example 2: Big Boobs
Really?

Why would you want big boobs? Normal boobs are fine. I grew boobs when I was 2 and they seem to have been growing ever since. People have always said that I should " show them off". Ummm YOU CAN"T MISS THEM. Wearing a shirt that accentuates them would only draw more attention to them. They are heavy, they bang into walls all by themselves and you feel like a molester every time you hug someone. Normal size shirts don't "fit" without it looking like Mt.Helena is erupting. By flaunting them, people forget that you have a face. HELLO I am up here!! Oh and the bras. There is no such thing as a pretty bra. Even the ones that look "pretty" are huge. The back is like 5 feet wide to support you. It looks likes you are wearing a parachute. It's unattractive. So all you big boob wanters out there.. don't do it. Silicone can leak anyway.

Example 3: Good Looks

Not your normal good looks (like I have..wink wink). The good looks that people ( men and women, gay or straight) walk by and say "Wow what a good looking girl (or guy)". This usually requires much more effort than they will every say. They add makeup to further enhance a naturally pretty face, botox for some (God forbid that anyone see a wrinkle and know that they have smiled before),the constant waxing and bleaching. Oh and let's not forget the insecurity. A lot of good looking people are very insecure. My guess is that they act so stuck up that no one wants to befriend them and they wonder why. So if you have the need to be desirable save your money on botox, go buy a pack of cigs and hit the bar. You will look just as good to someone after some shots and beers anyway and you will still be able to smile when you wake up in the morning.

That's all folks.

"Ya'll come back now ya hear?"

As mentioned in previous posts, I do a good amount of biking. By good amount of biking I mean that from May -September I train for the MS City to Shore ride (great cause- if you want to donate- look to your right:)). Once the ride is over, the bike gets put away and stays there until the following May. I usually train alone and like to keep it to back neighborhoods , I am way too much of a klutz to be trusted riding on roads with alot of traffic. Not that I fall off of my bike because I don't but if I were to, it would surely be at a time that I would get run over by a car and die. Only about 2 miles of my ride is on a major road so I am only on there for a few minutes.

My neighborhood is basically only three roads that loop around and I would have to go around a ridiculous amount of times to get a good ride in and I bore quite easily so I avoid that. I usually go over by my mom's neighborhood where there are many options and the neighborhoods go into other neighborhoods so I can get alot of riding in.

Usually if I ride after work, I will do a 10 mile ride. Often I do more but I like to get at least that in. Doesn't take too long and it's enough to feel like I got in a workout. I have been going a specific route which I know round trip will be 10 miles. I loop around a certain area about 5 times and with the travel to get there and back my full trip. There is a certain house that I go by that I hate. Sometimes they are outside. They look at me like I am crazy because they see me go by several times. Sometimes, there is just one older man , who looks like he is right out of the Beverly Hillbillies who sits alone on the rocking porch out front and glares at me every time I ride by. I pretend to not notice him since I have my biking glasses on but he creeps me out. I feel like I am a stalker because I think he thinks that I am a stalker when I am just simply just riding my bike. Every time I am about to pass that house, I pray that no one is outside. I really don't think I should have to feel that way. It's not like I am riding in circles outside of his house holding a sign that says " I bike while I stalk".

I have recently changed it up a little for two reasons. I do get bored after awhile and I don't want to get my ass kicked by a Jed Clampett look alike. I still travel that route but I cut it back to 3 loops then I go off to another neighborhood. The other neighborhood is great. It's one road that goes around a bunch of other roads but it is a mile around. So If I go around that a few times and combine it with my other route it's still the same length.

The other day, I was riding in my new 'area' and there were kids outside in the backyard playing. I didn't even hear or notice them there until on my third and last loop I hear a little voice say " WHO ARE YOU?" Here we go again. Won't be doing that anymore.

I see people in my neighborhood walking or biking in circles all the time and (again) since its one small loop they can go by several times. I never think that these people are coming to get me. I think that they are umm exercising.

If I could fit my bike into my car and take it to a bike trail (there aren't any close enough to me to ride to without dying on a main road) I would. So now I am going to try some new routes. Because I don't think I will be hearing "ya'll come back now ya hear?" anytime soon.

Short and Sweet

They say patience is a virtue. I say patience is overrated. So here is my plan. Short sweet and to the point. If you like my blog or a specific post do the following:

1.To find my link to follow me on Twitter- look to your right. Yep there it is- where the little bird I fondly call Wienie is. Now click it.

2.Look to your left.. The links that says you can share on Twitter or Facebook. If you like a specific blog share it.

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Happy Friday!

That's the brakes!

Many years ago I bought a Honda Civic. It was a 'sports edition' and it was on the showroom floor. I bought it at night and was picking it up the following day. From the minute I drove it out of the dealership I hated it. I hated the color. It was red and it was way more red than it looked under the lights in the showroom. The car was nice but I still hated it simply because it was ugly (to me) and I couldn't wait to get rid of it. Once I was close to my lease being up (I suffered through the most of the lease) I bought an Acura RSX. It was a brand new make and there weren't many of them on the road yet. I loved that car(so much that when that lease was up I got another one). It was a champagne color , it was a stick and it drove beautifully.

One rainy night after work, I was watching T.V. in my bedroom (I lived at home with my mom since it was years ago). My mom was out and she came home and heard the T.V. on in my room and opened the door. She said " Oh I didn't know you were home, where is your car?". I said " UMMMM it's outside in the street". She said " No it's not". At first I thought she was being funny, until I looked out the window and my car was gone. I freaked out. My baby was kidnapped and I had no idea what to do.

I got up and ran next door in the rain to my neighbor's house and knocked violently. He opened the door and I said " Someone stole my car, did you see anything?,can you go get them?" I apparently thought that my neighbor was a superhero. He grabbed his coat and said he would go look around. I ran back into my house and called the cops.

Ring Ring : " Police Department".
Me: " Someone stole my car"
PD: " Where do you live"
Me: gave the address
PD: " Could someone in your family have borrowed it?"
Me: " No it's a stick, no one else knows how to drive it"
PD: " Ok we will send a car out"
Me: " Ok hurry up she has been kidnapped"
Click.

I went back outside and started to walk over to my neighbor's because I wanted to go with him to find the kidnapper. My mom (I think, unless it was my sister I don't know because I was so distraught), pointed out in the distance and said " UM is that your car?". We all looked down the end of the street and there she was.. my baby.

So apparently when I came home I was in a hurry to get out of the rain. I had been shopping and had bags in the car, I grabbed the bags and ran inside. As mentioned previously, my car was a stick. I neglected to pull the emergency brake up. My car rolled down the street, it must have hit a sewer cover and it then crossed the street and landed up and over the curb of a house at the END of the street.

My first thought was ' Holy shit, thank God there were no kids outside ( it was raining so there wasn't and it wouldn't have happened if it was raining because I would have paid better attention) and that there were no other cars parked in the street. It had to have gone down the street pretty quickly and I would assume it happened right after I got out and ran for the door. So as I am running inside the house the car was already rolling down the street. Jackass.

We all run down to the car, my neighbor gets it off the curb and drives it back. The person who lived there never knew. It didn't damage anything, including the car (or so I thought until a week later when I blew a tire).

I realized that now I have to call the cops back. Not having any idea what I am going to say but knowing that I have to call them to stop the baby search, I call.

Ring Ring : " Police Department"
Me: "Yes I called about 10 minutes ago to report my car stolen."
PD: " Ok?"
Me:" I want to report it unstolen."
PD: " Oh you found it. Where was it?"
Me: " ummmm"
PD: " Let me guess, a family member borrowed it and didn't tell you."
Me: " Yep! Thanks bye".
Click

That was a long time ago. I still drive a stick and every time I get out of my car I double check to make sure the brake is up (great addition to my OCD issues).

Moral of the story: Being an idiot could be very dangerous.

Dude..you stink

I am a smoker (I know I shouldn't smoke but I do so you can save the lectures). I also know that people who smoke can stink. For some reason when you smoke outside in the winter it smells ten times worse than normal. I tried to look up the reason for this before I started posting this however all the links brought me to discussions on why people smell smoke that isn't really there (ummm ok) and talks of people's urine smell. Obviously NOT what I was looking for so I gave up (rather quickly at that).

Anyway, my guess is something to do with the cold air and it clinging to your clothes more (yes I am a rocket scientist). I used to date a guy (many many years ago), we will call him Stinky, who smoked like a chimney. I smoke but I can manage to breathe for a few hours between cigarettes. He smoked constantly. I worked at a retail store with him part-time. On nights that he wasn't working he would frequently come up to see me. He wore a heavy coat. It was of an NFL team that was NOT the Eagles. It was blue and gray and had a big fat star on it. Have you figured this out yet? I remember the coat vividly (which is impressive because I can't even remember his last name).

I always knew when he was there before I even saw him because the stench preceded him. Especially in the winter. I would look around and sure enough he would come around the corner. I really tried not to mention it since I am a smoker and I know that I stink too but I just stink like a cigarette not like a chimney. One day, I sniffed and looked up and there he was. I said " you stink" and he said "thanks". After that, I got progressively more grossed out because I have the nose of a bloodhound. He was more than a little needy and with the smell, he had to go. We broke up, he hated me but I didn't really care because, while he was a nice guy, he smelled and was needy.

I wonder what ever happened to "Stinky".... I would look him up but I can't remember his last name. Gonna go smoke a cigarette now....

The results are in....

As stated in my previous post we went to see the X Factor on Thursday. When I got the tickets (which was one ticket for a party of 4 printed out online) the instructions were very specific. No flip flops, no cameras, absolutely no cell phones, no white shirts, no shirts with logos blah blah blah. So I was sure to relay this information to everyone so that we didn't have one person screw it up for everyone else when we got to the door. We left at 8:30 a.m so we would have enough time to get there and stop for breakfast on the way because the show started at 1:00 p.m sharp and NO food or drink was allowed once inside.

The day first started with our printed out Map Quest directions. These directions SUCKED ASS. They were wrong .. completely wrong. We were a little confused because I also had Mandy (which is the name I have given to my GPS). So as we are driving she is telling us one thing and Map Quest is telling us another. We made the mistake of following Map Quest. We went an hour out of our way and had no idea what to do. So I made a call to a friend of mine (who I am convinced could sit in the passenger seat wearing a blindfold and still direct you on a 10 hour trip without making a mistake). He rerouted us and we ended up right back were we started and we were headed in the right direction. He is also the one who got me the tickets. He rocks. We stopped at a diner for breakfast so we wouldn't starve for the rest of the day since we wouldn't be able to eat once there.

We get there and pay 6 million dollars for parking. We hand in our printed ticket and each receive an actual ticket to get in the door. They check our bags(and I think 'good thing we left our phones in the car!') . We are standing in line to get in and see most people have on flip flops and white shirts. Ok then. They had food stands and a lot of people were eating while waiting in line because once you are in there , there is no food ( have I mentioned that part?). The ticket says the show starts at 2:00pm. (the internet ticket said 1:00).

We get in and sit down (we had great seats) and we see people all over texting, taking pictures and eating(while wearing their flip flops and white shirts). So my sister goes out to the car to get our phones (because not having your phone with you at all times is equivalent to giving away your one functioning kidney.... impossible). THEN the dude walking around with the mic appeasing everyone since the show started 2 hours late comes out and says " Ok everyone we are having a text contest TAKE OUT YOUR CELL PHONES" Umm seriously? Now we already have them at this point but you tell everyone (most of which didn't listen anyway) that no cell phones are allowed then you tell us to take them out for a contest.

So now we have all the rules completely pointless. No eating, no cells, no cameras, no white shirts and no flip flops and the time is wrong. Ok then. Alot of people in there seemed to notice this as well (I guess just the ones who can read). I have never seen a set of rules written so strict that really didn't mean anything at all. I hope these same people are not in charge of any laws.

I will say that the show was great. Simon was really funny.. he only made one rude comment and he spent alot of time rubbing Paula's back and feeding her whatever it was he was also eating (looked like peanuts or something). So nice to see them get along. Although she did call him an idiot several time. It was really cool to see and I thoroughly enjoyed it. They did , however , cut it short because they started so late and had another taping after it. It was totally worth the trip. So look for me on camera in the audience in September (I am the one with the green shirt on :)

X -Factor

So tomorrow I am going to see a taping for auditions for the X-Factor. I am looking forward to it since I am a big fat American Idol dork. Big fat as in....if you even LOOK at me while I am watching I get mad because I can't hear when you are staring at me.

Anyway, they have some serious rules going on there. No flip flops, NO WHITE shirts (I guess because the lights can see right through your shirt- with my boobs that would be quite the show). They want bright spring colors .. the works. The point (they say) is that you will be on camera. Now we are going to WATCH not participate and I know that they show the audiences but I have YET to see an audience shot of someone's foot so I am not sure what the flip flop thing is all about.

I am however hoping that they see me in the audience and beg me to audition because I would like to go up there and sing at the top of my lungs under those bright lights for my minute of fame so Simon can tell me that I suck ass.

I will let ya know how it goes!

Tweet Tweet

I am trying to get the swing of twitter however it's a little difficult because I only have a handful of followers. I am starting to get my 'tweet ' on but I need tweeters to tweet to. I don't want to use my funny one liners if I don't have anyone to laugh at me.

Click on my page to follow me .. it'll be soooooo tweet. ( The link is on the right of this page.. click it.. you know you want to.)

I almost peed a little...

When kids are at a certain age, they tend to use words and phrases that 'big' people use. Sometimes you look at them like "Where did you hear that from?" Other times they come out wrong or don't make sense with what they are saying.

A few days ago I was laying on the couch watching T.V. My nephew came into the room and I told him to come give me a hug. He did. I told him it was a lame hug and to give me a real one so he squeezed real tight and I squeezed back. Then he said " Are you going to squash my wack?" Now I know whatever he meant certainly was NOT what I thought. I also know that wasn't what he meant to say. I know that he had NO idea why I went into a fit of laughter. I haven't laughed that hard in yearrsssss... I laughed for about 20 minutes..I could not breathe but I could not stop. He said he never saw me laugh so hard but wasn't quite sure why I was laughing. I couldn't even answer him because I was a hyena for awhile. I never asked what it was that he meant to say because I knew if I did I would end up peeing a little.

Funniest thing ever..... Love that kid.

Excuse me?????????????

I have noticed over the last few years that no one has manners anymore. The words 'please' and 'thank you' seem to have been erased from the dictionary. People don't feel like they need to 'ask' anymore. I don't know if it's because the world has a greater sense of "entitlement" now or what. I have actually heard people say that they don't need to say it every time. UM if you are asking for something then yes you SHOULD say it every time. The world DOES not owe you anything. It's called being polite. If you skip the please,it's called being bossy.

I see this alot on Facebook too. " I need a ride..who is going to take me?" or "I need a babysitter on Friday, any takers?". Um you are putting this on Facebook for all of your 500 friends to see. Most of them have no interest in what you need, and those who do, you should call them and ask them POLITELY. Any takers? WHAT IS THAT? It's not an auction and I seriously doubt that when people read this they are raising their hands saying "OH ME ME PICK ME!!!!". So do yourselves a favor and learn to ask as well as appreciate the help because chances are that people might be willing to actually help your ass out if you ask. PLEASE.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

and I feel fine..... Today is supposed to be the end of the world so I am not going to write a long post. If we all make it through until tomorrow.... I will follow up with more :) For now, I will eat crap and get drunk!

The Proof is in the Pooping

When I was in high school I worked at Clover. If you have never heard of it, it was like today's Target. I worked in the snack bar. My responsibilities were making sure the wieners were on the rolly thing cooking, cutting onions, making burgers, scooping ice cream and pouring sodas and icees. It was a glamorous job. I smelled like a hoagie all of the time.

I started noticing that my poop was neon green. I wasn't sure why but it didn't go away. I went to the doctor. The obvious answer was that an alien invaded my body resulting in a neon green secretion from my ass. Here is how the conversation went.

Dr.: "What the fuck are you doing here?" I loved his demeanor.
Me: "My poop is neon green."
Dr.: "Why?"
Me: "If I knew I wouldn't be here."
Dr.: " Are you eating anything different?"
Me: "Nope."
Dr.: "What are you drinking?"
Me: "Water, Diet Coke, Icees."
Dr." What kind of Icees?"
Me: " Blue Raspberry, The red makes a mess of my face."
Dr."That is why your shit is green."
Me.: "Oh."
Dr: " You can stop drinking them or stop looking at your shit."
Me: " I will stop looking at my shit."

Never said I was a rocket scientist.

It's what's INSIDE that counts!

My allergies have been kicking my ass for the past week. I have been blowing my nose every 5 minutes. I actually ran out of tissues at work and had to resort to paper towels. It's almost like using sandpaper to wipe your ass. It hurts. My nose is very sore. My sister (who lives with me) texted me to see if we needed anything for the house since she was out shopping. My response " tissues tissues tissues ". The supply was running low.

I come home and she says (all proud of herself) " I got you your OWN box of tissues for your bedroom. They are purple!" Assuming she got them because purple is my favorite color I said " Thank you!"

A little later , my mom came over and we were watching a movie. She comes in the room and says something about getting me the purple tissues. She said she got them to match my room!!! We both looked at her like she had 5 heads. Then it clicked to her. My bedroom is gold and red (the living room is purple.. well eggplantish).

It's the thought that counts (and the fact that inside the pretty purple box are soft and fluffy tissues). My nose feels better already.

Easy come... easy go

so the diet has been going on for two weeks now. I weighed on Friday and was down a total of 4.5 lbs . I am going to say that it is safe to assume that the beers and buffalo chicken dip and chips I ate on Saturday along with the 5000 crackers and cheese spread and trail mix and wine and piece of boston cream pie I ate on Sunday is probably not going to be good for my weigh in in Friday... just sayin.

It's me time!

It seems the world is full of people who want something from you. The more you do the more they want. Yet, they don't seem to want to do anything in return. As crappy as this may sound, I am tired of making sure everyone is taken care of and things go their way. It's my turn. If you can't hold your end of the bargain, then there is no bargain!

God Bless the U.S.A!

written by Erica Gordon

I am a Royal dork

So this morning I woke up about 15 minutes before I needed to be up. I didn't plan it, it just happened. My timing was perfect because  I turned on the T.V. just as Kate was about to get into the car to head to the church. I got to see the procession and I also got to see the vows. I then showered and went to work.

Fortunately, the T.Vs had some coverage on for a bit.  I was counting down to the Royal Kiss ( along with the rest of the world that was watching).  I was soooo disappointed at the little peck. Seriously?  The whole world is waiting for this magical moment and you kiss like you are cousins? Thankfully, they kissed again.  The second one was a little longer. That's what the first one should have been. It was romantic. But the moment was ruined (at least for me) because the first one was not what I expected.

Aside from that. I thought she looked beautiful and her dress was absolutely gorgeous.  When I marry my prince, I will be sure to make the balcony kiss special. Now I am off for a spot of tea.

Cheerio

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels...

Whoever came up with that statement is full of shit. They apparently never ate a big hunk of cake....BUT..

Two  of my aunts, my mom and I have decided to go on a diet.  We discussed this on Easter.  Summer is almost here and the blubber is out of control, at least for me.  My mirror fogs up in disgust when I get dressed.  Anyway,  I weighed myself yesterday and was unpleasantly surprised at what the scale said. I am going to take this one day at a time.  I have my niece's communion on Saturday and I know I will be drinking and eating and that's ok but I have to keep going.  I refuse to put on a bathing suit until I lose some weight or I will be mistaken for a whale.

Yesterday  I ate a yogurt for breakfast. I ate a salad for lunch (which was very yummy). I also ate a salad for dinner. Then I ate a macaroon.  The macaroon probably wasn't a good idea but it curbed my sweet tooth. And it was only one.  I can't help it.  I like food, especially the kind that causes blubber like effects.

 So far so good for day two. let's see how this all pans out.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

I was never big on coffee.  I would have an occasional cup if  I was out but it wasn't something I drank at home.  Having a cup of coffee was never worth (and still isn't) dirtying (is that a word?)  my coffee maker and having to clean it out. Lazy I know. But my desire for coffee wasn't "strong" enough for it to be worth it.

 We now have a Keurig at work ( I checked the machine to make sure I spelled it right and got a cup while I was at it). Anyway, this machine is like the Holy Grail of coffee makers. The coffee is fresher and it's quick. It doesn't take 5 hours to make a pot of coffee. Every morning (before Mr. Keurig) I would go and make a pot of coffee. it took about 10 minutes to brew.  By the time I got up and went back it was gone. I would make a new pot.  This grew old. Now, I can make my own cup and move on.  Problem is that I now drink about 4-5 cups of coffee. Me + coffee= hyper.  When I first started drinking it , I was talking about 500 words per minute.  Which is more than my usual 300 words per minute. I talk fast to begin with. This was becoming a problem because whenever I said something after my 3rd cup, everyone would say "what?". Then I get annoyed because I have to repeat everything I just said and attempt to speak slower.

My body is adjusting to my coffee consumption. I am maintaining a consistent talk speed and it's not going to get slower than it is so I have decided that people will just have to pay close attention when I speak.

I still don't drink coffee at home but I would be lost without it during the week.

** a little trivia I heard on the radio the other day....  Which chain that sells coffee has the most loyal customers ( those who will not stray and purchase from any other chain??  Guess the answer!  ( p.s some of my facebook friends already know this answer so don't give it away :)

Here comes Peter Cottontail... or not

So I am thinking this is the last year that the Easter bunny will be 'real'. It's funny how kids can think that the Easter Bunny is suddenly ridiculous. " Like a rabbit is really going to hop to everyone's house and bring candy". But that innocence is still there.  They want to believe it and will question, if in fact, it is really ridiculous or not. Of course it is ridiculous but we want to hold onto that ridiculousness for as long as possible. Once the Easter Bunny is not real (and Santa and the tooth fairy) it's all over.  Next they are too big for hugs, embarrassed to be seen with their parents (or aunt in this case), driving, going to college , marrying and having kids of their own who now believe in all of these things.

I am not ready for this ( I am sure some parents out there disagree and are more than ready to stop pretending) .  Someone make it stop! I want them young forever. I like them this way.

Opinions??

I had many readers on my "Life is Good" story.  I am considering another story.  Any thoughts on a subject?  Please comment here on the blog as it is easier to track.

Thanks!

Life is like riding a bike........

Several years ago  my sister got sick.  After months of testing, it was determined that she was having a bout with MS.  She went through hell over a period of time with pain,  medications, shots etc.  It took a long time ,but she got well and knock on wood she stays that way. I have several friends as well who suffer from MS. Just recently, a friend of mine had a biopsy done on her brain because they found what appeared to be a tumor.  Her vision is blurred and she shakes. She is in a lot of pain and my heart goes out to her. After many hospitals visits and a biopsy, they diagnosed her with MS.  I have several stories like this.

A few years ago, my sister told me that she signed up for the MS City to Shore 150 Bike Ride.  It goes from Patco Woodcrest in Cherry Hill to Ocean City, NJ.  The ride is 75 miles long.  You have the option to ride back the following day. She signed up for this alone. I joined with her. I believe in the cause and I couldn't let her do it alone. After I registered, I bought a bike.  I hadn't been on a bike in many years. I rode a mile and was exhausted.  I continued to train and before you know it I was going 30 miles.  The first year we rode was so rewarding.  Crossing that finish line after riding all day was exhilarating.  Having a crowd of people ( including out family) cheering us on was immeasurable .

The next year we grew from a team of 2 to a team of 18. We had jerseys made, became The Cyclones and raised an impressive amount of money for the cause.  The third year we did the same. Each year is more rewardinf and humbling than the last.

The ride is in September and this will be my fourth year riding. The amount of money raised and used to support MS is simply awesome.  There is no cure but there IS us. We try hard to do what we can to provide those with MS the medicine and help they need to get through each and every day. We ride for a cure. What we do is nothing compared to what they go through.  As we ride, we see many, many people with MS on the side of the road, clapping and holding up signs thanking us for helping them. Many of them would give their last dollar to simply be able to ride a bike.  I have a great appreciation of how many people with MS live each day to the fullest. They are positive. They give me balance.


If you can find it in your heart (and wallet ) to help me help them, you would be creating a world of change.


* link is to the top right of my page.

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving". Albert Einstein